It
feels like forever ago that I took some time to write. Sometimes I feel
as though I am healed, or at least that I don’t need the release that
comes from writing. Days like today remind me though that I am anything
but healed. My heart is still in a million pieces and the tape that was
holding it together is starting to come undone once again.
In less than a
month it will be a year since Maddox was born and died. I cannot believe
that it has been a year since I last held him. My heart wants to
explode when I really think about this. A mother should get to hold
their child every single day! The ridiculousness of the sentence “I have
not held my baby in almost a year” makes me want to scream.
Now I am pregnant
with this beautiful little miracle but all I can think about is how
scared I am. Just because I am healthy and so is the baby, does not mean
it is a guarantee. That is one thing I have learned over the last year
is that nobody is safe from death and there is no guarantee. Sometimes I
think that I have already gone through my loss and there is no way that
it could happen to me again. Then I have to remind myself that life
does not work that way. I could just as easily lose this new baby and
that is so scary.
I lost Maddox at 19
weeks and here right now I am currently 18 weeks with this pregnancy. A
part of me feels like I am going to lose this baby at 19 weeks as well,
a pregnancy after that point seems unattainable. Of course I am not
walking around all doom and gloom all the time, I am so happy to have
this baby and I know they are going to be a huge blessing in our lives. I
just want the baby here safe and healthy, and then I can spend the rest
of my life worrying about them. For that I cannot wait.
