Our story of love, loss, and change.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Cate Ryan

On January 15th, 2014 I gave birth to a perfect little girl. Cate Ryan Moore was born at 5:29 PM, weighing 5 pounds 14 ounces.  She is absolutely amazing! I can't even describe the feeling I get when I look at her..sometimes I have to remind myself that she is mine and that I get to keep her. 

I have gone back and forth about whether or not I am going to write about Cate on this blog or if I should start another one. Tonight I finally decided that this blog is a place where I come to talk about my life, my grief, and my children. I realized that this blog does not need to be just the sad things in my life after losing our children, but it can be a place where I share the good things as well. 

As soon as I even considered getting pregnant again after Maddox I knew it was going to be a struggle. Pregnancy after a loss is one of the most difficult things I have ever gone through, next to actually losing my son. I was so excited to know that we were going to have another child, but I was also so afraid of all the possibilities. Even now that she is here, I worry constantly. I now fully understand how fragile life is and how easily it can be taken away. I know that on the outside I keep my composure but on the inside I feel like I might go crazy from the anxiety. I know that all first mom's can be a little crazy and that it is natural to worry...however I know what it is like to have a child die, so for me it is more than just being a worried first time mom. 

This leads me to another difficult thing that I came across after having Cate, I have been asked an obscene amount of times if she is our first child. When people would ask me, I always took an awkward pause to decide how to answer. Sometimes I would explain that I lost our son at 19 weeks, and that he was one of four babies that I had lost during the 19 week pregnancy. Other times I simply replied "yes, she is our first". When I would say yes I would feel so much guilt. It feels like I am disregarding them now that we have a healthy living baby, but sometimes it is just too much. It is too much to have to explain the whole thing, because it is not a short answer.It is too much pain to have to explain it over and over again. It is too much to see the pity in their eyes. It is too much to see them become uncomfortable and not know what to say. I can't really blame people for asking this question, how are they supposed to know that just over a year ago I went through absolute hell? How would they know that I experienced the unimaginable? They don't mean any harm and they are just being friendly..I just wish I had a better answer. 

Having Cate home has been wonderful and I can't wait for all the future experiences we get to have with her. I certainly am not taking anything for granted. I am enjoying every moment, the good and the bad. I can't wait until the day I get to tell her about her big brother and her other three siblings.