Oh Christmas Tree

Christmas time is my absolute favorite! However, the past couple of years have been more difficult. Last year I couldn't even pretend to be interested in the holidays when we had just lost Maddox a few months before. This year has been a little different but as it draws closer I realize I am still really struggling. Had he been born when he was supposed to in March, this would be his first Christmas. He would be about 7 months old and we would be preparing for all the celebrations that come with a childs first Christmas. Instead, we are trying to find ways to keep his memory alive through Christmas. We are decorating a Christmas tree just for him and picking out the perfect stocking. While all of this is important and special, I cant help but feel bitter about it. This is not how it is supposed to be. I miss him so much and it seems like I am missing him more during the holiday season. Looking at his little tree though brings me comfort. I love it because it is a way to remember him and it is something special just for him.

Fear and Hope

I can't even count how many times I have opened Blogger, started typing, and then closed it.

I feel like my whole life is absorbed with the baby girl we are expecting and as excited as I am, I am equally scared. A part of me feels like if I type my fears it will bring them to life. So I will not put them into words. However, I will say how happy and thankful we are for this little girl. I am 31 weeks pregnant today and honestly I never thought I would get to this point.

This is another reason why I have had a hard time writing, I feel like this blog is my place for Maddox and it is still hard to talk and think about how excited and happy we are for this new baby, when my heart is still broken for the son I will never get to raise. I think of him and his siblings daily. I look at his tiny hand and footprints each morning before I leave for work and it melts my heart each time. 

I am so afraid that something is going to go wrong with this pregnancy. I don't know if I would survive another loss. For now we are focusing on being positive, enjoying her movements, and looking forward to the future. Within 62 days I will get to meet my daughter and I really cannot wait, but of course I will. She needs to cook a little longer! 

Approaching One Year

It feels like forever ago that I took some time to write. Sometimes I feel as though I am healed, or at least that I don’t need the release that comes from writing. Days like today remind me though that I am anything but healed. My heart is still in a million pieces and the tape that was holding it together is starting to come undone once again.

In less than a month it will be a year since Maddox was born and died. I cannot believe that it has been a year since I last held him. My heart wants to explode when I really think about this. A mother should get to hold their child every single day! The ridiculousness of the sentence “I have not held my baby in almost a year” makes me want to scream.

Now I am pregnant with this beautiful little miracle but all I can think about is how scared I am. Just because I am healthy and so is the baby, does not mean it is a guarantee. That is one thing I have learned over the last year is that nobody is safe from death and there is no guarantee. Sometimes I think that I have already gone through my loss and there is no way that it could happen to me again. Then I have to remind myself that life does not work that way. I could just as easily lose this new baby and that is so scary.

I lost Maddox at 19 weeks and here right now I am currently 18 weeks with this pregnancy. A part of me feels like I am going to lose this baby at 19 weeks as well, a pregnancy after that point seems unattainable. Of course I am not walking around all doom and gloom all the time, I am so happy to have this baby and I know they are going to be a huge blessing in our lives. I just want the baby here safe and healthy, and then I can spend the rest of my life worrying about them. For that I cannot wait. 

Baby Moore 02/12/14

Getting that faint pink postivie line was not really expected. Not so soon anyway. We decided to try on our own for a few months since I was having somewhat regular cycles. We expected a few months to pass by with no results and us to have to go back to clomid. But here we are, 13 weeks pregnant with a single baby concieved all on our own.

I took the pregnanct test expecting it to be negative, I was having no symptoms but thought I should check just in case. Then the most faint of lines appeared. I literally ran to the bed and jumped on Cody. He of course wanted to not get our hopes up until we were absolutely sure. So a few days later, I took another test....and another and they all kept coming back brighter and brighter. We were shocked beyond belief!

Then reality started to sink in. What if something went wrong with this baby? Could we live through losing another child. Miscarriages are really common this early on..what if that happened to us? Even now at 13 weeks my fears have not eased. I look at this ultrasound and I try to feel nothing but joy, but how can I when I know all of the many things that can go wrong with such a young and tiny baby.

Also, something I did not expect was how difficult it would be emotionally to be pregnant again. I feel like I cry more over Maddox now then I did in the few previous months. I miss him so much and my heart aches to have my baby boy back.

I know that we are ready for this new baby, we are already parents and it is time to put those instincts in to play. I am so excited to be having such an easy pregnancy and now I am just hopeful that I can continue down this path and give birth to a healthy baby who we will get to raise. I am due February 12, 2014, only two weeks different than my due date with Maddox.

For now we will enjoy the little things and hope for the best. All the while still missing our other Angels. <3

Random Acts of Kindness

When I originally thought of planning Maddox's first birthday, never did I think I would be planning ways to remember him. But here we are.

His birthday is a little over 2 months away and I have pondered over many ideas. One idea though kept coming back to me over and over again. I saw this idea on another blog and I feel that it is the best way to honor our little boy.

Random Acts of Kindness.

I am going to ask all of our family and friends, including the wonderful people I have met through this blog, to participate in this. This is the reason I am announcing it kind of early. I would like to give everyone plenty of time.

At some point between now and Maddox's birthday on October 5th, please take a little time and do something kind for a stranger in Maddox's name.

I would love to hear what everyone does so if possible, email me, call me, or message me what your random act of kindness was.

A mother shouldn't have to plan her dead child's first birthday celebration, but I am trying to make the best of it. I know that we are all extremely busy, but keep in mind how big of a differenc one small act of kindness can make in someone's life. Plus, it is an amazing way to remember a very special little boy.

Thanks again everyone for your continuous love and support. <3

Below I have listed a few ideas to get you started.

• Collect items for a charity (food, clothes, etc.)
• Volunteer (school, nursing home, hotpital, etc.)
• When buying your coffee, purchase the person's behind you
• Bring co-workers a special treat
• Slip paper hearts that say “It’s Random Acts of Kindness Week! Have a great day!” under the windshield wipers of parked cars
• Take baked goods to your neighbors
• Give blood
• Put change in a vending machine for the next person
• Take flowers to a hospital
• Donate clothes and other supplies to a homeless shelter

These are of course just a few ideas, get creative and do something kind! Opening the door for someone or telling a stranger to have a good day can make a huge impact! Oh and remember that Google is your friend, there are a ton of great ideas on the internet.

Today..

Some days the loss of our son doesn't feel real.

Even after 9 months, I still can't believe this really happened to us.

There are days when my grief feels really far away.

Then days like today it feels extremely close.

My heart feels as if it is breaking all over again.

Last night Cody and I laid in bed together and wondered about our children.

What they are like now.

Do they understand the terrible choice we had to make.

Do they miss us as much as I miss them.

Today my grief is ugly.

Today the loss of our children weighs heavily on my heart.

Today I miss them. I worry about them. I love them.

Everything Has Changed

Over the past few weeks I have written and deleted so many posts. I feel like I have little to say. This actually makes me a little sad. It has been almost nine months since we lost Maddox and I can tell that I am doing better. I can think of him and the other babies, with thoughts of joy rather than pure sadness. I can remember feeling him flutter inside me and be thankful for the experience, rather than bitter for the loss. I can look at his beautiful hand prints and remember how perfect they were without completely losing it. I feel like I am beginning a new chapter of my life. Life after loss is a strange world. Nothing is the same and little has changed yet EVERYTHING has changed.

Cody and I have been talking a little about what we want to do to celebrate his one year birthday. It is still his birthday, even if he isn't here to celebrate with us. If you notice I say celebrate. I want October 5th to be a day of celebration to his life. No matter how short his life was, I want to remember him and not wallow in my own sorrow.

I would love to hear other people's ideas or what they did on their baby's birthday/angel day to celebrate them.

His Name

To all the mother's that wrote Maddox's name, thank you from the bottom of my heart. The fact that so many people took the time to write our sons name is very touching. Here are all of the beautiful pictures we received. <3

 

 

 

  

 

  

Hope is the thing with feathers..

There is little worse than leaving the hospital without your baby.

It is gut wrenching when someone doesn't realize you lost the baby. 

To have to explain over and over that your baby died is heart breaking.

There is something awful about having to put away their unworn clothes.

Putting up "In Memory" photo's instead of newborn photo's seems like cruel punishment.

To watch all of your friends and family give birth to healthy babies is so hard.

Thinking about having another baby is terrifying.

Wondering where your babies are and if they are okay, can drive you crazy.

Second guessing every choice you made is a part of your daily life.

Trying to understand how people can be so inconsiderate is impossible.

Knowing that you gave birth to someone so perfect and pure is comforting.

Holding your child is something beyond incredible.  

Watching your husband hold your son is perfection.

To see your family and friends have healthy babies is a blessing.

Doing projects to help yourself and other's is healing.

Thinking of having another baby is exciting.

Moving forward with your life is the only way to survive such loss.

Mothers Day Name Event

This year for Mothers Day a group of bereaved mother's including myself participated in a name event hosted by Catherine at Twinkle of Light.  

I was honored to write 10 babies names and in return I am getting photos of Maddox's name written by 10 other mother's. Below are the names we wrote and photographed.

My White Sign of Grief

The White Signs of Grief are used to break the silence about our grief and to put a face on our grief. It helps to know that I am not alone. That others are feeling that same thing that I am.

White Signs of Grief is a blog started by a wonderful women named Lindsey. You can check out other signs or submit your own by clicking the below link.
http://whitesignsofgrief.blogspot.com/

This is not limited to just parents who lost a child. Anyone that was affected by the loss of a child is welcome to post their own sign. I encourage everyone to take a moment and submit a sign to display your own grief.

It took me a long time to decide what I wanted my sign to say. I had a thousand things I could have written. I am grieving for so many things. The reason I chose "I grieve for the memories that we will never have" is because I think this is something that a lot of people that have never lost a child don't realize. It is not just the child that we lost, we lost an entire life. A lifetime of memories and experiences that we will now never have. The moment that Maddox passed away, the life we had in front of us disappeared. 

Tiny Diapers

The March of Dimes is having their fundraiser for premature babies

They placed tiny diapers in stores to help bring awarness

These diapers literally break my heart

These diapers that look like they belong on a doll

Diapers that you wouldn't believe were actually made for a baby

Diapers that break you heart

Because you know they are not meant for a healthy baby

They are meant for a premature baby

For a baby that never got to live.

You see a diaper and you think of joy

You think of a new life

I see a diaper and I think of heartbreak

I think of death

My son wore a diaper that was too big

Because even a tiny diaper

Was too big for him.

Loving Life

Laying in bed last night

Listening to Cody snore

After having yet another giggle session together

I thought to myself "I love my life"

This sleepy thought startled me into conciousness

How can I possibly think I love my life

When my son died?

Then I really started thinking about my life

I have been so blessed

Of course I have had many trials

Especially the trial of losing Maddox

Sometimes I have felt like I dont know how I will make it through

Then Cody looks at me with all the love in the world

Or a friend or family member will reach out to me

I am then reminded how lucky I really am

It is easy to get down and negative

To get wrapped up in the never ending grief

However, life is too short to live that way

Each day is a struggle

A struggle to act normal

To be happy

But I am trying

We are planning for the future

Planning another addition to our family

Moving forward

Life is difficult

Life is terrifying

Life is beautiful

Guilt

I experienced yet another trigger last week

Something little happens and it feels as if my feet are knocked out from under me 

All the questions, the guilt, and the pain hits me like a ton of bricks

Again and again

None of it ever really went away

I just became numb

Another family had quadruplets, they chose to take the risk
The risk of carrying four babies
We chose the alternate route
I still wonder if we did the right thing, or the easy thing

Grief can be an ugly thing that makes you question everything
I realize that I am still not a peace with the decision we made
I am unsure if I will ever be able to be okay about it
The "what if's" haunt me every day
The anxiety eats away at me

I will never know what would have happend if we had kept all four babies
Who knows, we could have lost them all at 19 weeks
That would have been just as awful
I do know that if I had it all to do over again, I would not have done the reduction
It may have been the right thing then, but now I wish we had let nature take its course

I understand that there is no point dwelling on the past
It is easy to say that when you are not the one who has to live with the grief
The one who has to live with the choice to end your children's lives
It is a decision that nobody should ever have to make

My First Guest Post - Loss Through the Looking Glass

One of my many favorite things about blogging is finding new blogs and connecting with other baby loss mom's. There is something comforting about being able to share my story with others and to know that these women really understand. It breaks my heart that there are so many women who understand but at least we can be there for eachother.

One of the blog's I follow shared a blog that she came across called "Loss Through the Looking Glass" They do a lot of guests post and so I submitted a post last night and it is already on their blog! I was happy and grateful to get to share our story with more people. I am hopeful that it will help me connect with other women and bring a little bit of comfort and understanding to all of us. I encourage anyone who wants to share their story to submit a post to the blog. <3

View my blog post here

A Funeral, Some Grief, and a New Life

On Easter my Great Grandpa Lambson passed away at the age of 89. He was such an amazing man and I am so grateful that I was able to know him. Below are some of the photo's from his funeral. He was in the Navy and it was very special to see my Great Grandpa honored this way and to watch my Grandpa accept the flag. It was a truly special day for my family.

 

Friday was a very emotional day for me. We attended the beautiful funeral for my Grandpa, it was exactly six months since Maddox passed away, and my cousins had their little boy. The day was filled with sadness and joy. My Grandpa lived a wonderful life and it was great to share all our memories of this amazing person. The last photo was taken on mine and Cody's wedding day. I absolutely love this photo of him about to hug me. Precious stuff right there. 

 Since Maddox's nursery was going to be owl themed, owls now hold a special meaning for us. I found this cute little wooden owl at The Wood Connection and couldn't wait to make it! I think it is pretty adorable. I love adding special things to our home to memorialize Maddox. It is important to me to make his presence known in our home. This is a picture of the ledge on our stairs and as you can see, most of it is dedicated to our angel baby. 

My cousin's welcomed their healthy and beautiful little boy on Friday. We are planning on going to visit them and I am actually pretty nervous about it. I have not been around a newborn since Maddox and I certainly have not held another one since him. I know that it will be difficult for us but I also know it is an important part in our healing process.

Kindness Matters

I had something pretty amazing happen to me yesterday and this person probably doesn't even know that they did anything. 

I was leaving work holding a left over Easter balloon from an activity we had done that day. As I was walking out I saw my friend and co-worker who is probably around 8 months pregnant. She asked me what I was doing with the balloon and I kinda panicked for a moment.  Do I tell her that I plan to take it to the cemetery for Maddox, or make up a lie to avoid an awkward exchange? I chose to see how it went. I say "I am going to take it the cemetery" Her response "Oh how nice, where is he buried?" I can't even explain the relief I felt. She could have shut down, acted awkward, or changed the subject. Instead she was kind and compassionate. We talked a little more and it was the best moment of my day. While I was driving home I couldn't help but cry with happiness.

I sometimes feel like I can't speak of Maddox. When I do I get many reactions that are just too hard to deal with. I can't hear anymore "He is in a better place" or "Everything happens for a reason". What reason is there? There is no "bigger plan" out there. I cannot bring myself to believe that God had some reason for my baby dying. The placenta detached and our son died. That is the end of it. Her talking to me, asking questions about where we buried him was all I needed. I know that people mean well but please just ask me how I am. Talk to me about him. Tell me how you feel. Yes I may cry, but I cry anyway. At  least if I cry with you, I won't be alone. Don't try to take my pain away by not speaking of him, it only hurts worse. 

I am not looking forward to Easter. It should have been the first holiday we celebrated with our son. Instead we are celebrating without him. I don't know if I really can celebrate anymore. I will need strength to get through tomorrow. Luckily I have the perfect family to give me that strength. 

Sweet Maddox

My dear sweet Maddox,

The past couple days have been difficult and I feel as if this day is going to be worse. I miss you so much it hurts. I am exhausted because I can't sleep. I lay in bed and think of you. I want you hear with me, I want to hold you, and I want to raise you. I have accepted that you are never coming back, but that doesn't mean my heart doesn't hurt everytime I think about you. When I walk in the room that was supposed to be yours, it takes my breath away. I had it all pictured in my head. I knew where your crib would go, I knew where I would put the rocker that I would sit with you in. So to walk in there and it be the same junk room that it has always been, breaks my heart a little more each time. We still have items around the house that were meant for you, now they are painful reminders that you will never get to use them. I can't bring myself to get rid of the two bottles in the cupboard. Yesterday I finally took the two bouncers that your Grandma bought for you and the other baby and donated them. I could not look at them anymore. Each time I looked at the bouncer, I couldn't help but picture you in it. Donating it for a good cause seemed like the right thing to do.

Last night I had my first meltdown in a while. I think that I am supressing my feelings a bit. I will go days and days without crying but when I finally let my guard down, it all comes rushing back. The days I went feeling okay, make the days I am not okay, that much worse. I am just so lucky to have your daddy. He is so strong for me. Last night he told me of how excited he was for you, and how sad he is that you are gone. Seeing that pain in his eyes makes my stomach turn everytime. At the same time, it also makes me happy that you have a daddy that loves you so much. I wish I had  picture of him holding you in the hospital. It was the most precious moment of my life.

I think of you morning, day, and night. You are the last thing on my mind before I go to sleep, and the first thing on my mind when I wake up. There are no words to express how much I love you and how much I miss you.

Love you always,

Mommy

Baby Loss Community

Have you ever read something that gives you the chills? Or something that makes you cry?

As a bereaved mother I come across posts that make me cry, that make me happy, that make me feel less alone, and then posts that make me feel all of the above.

The baby loss community to me is a wonderful and almost secret society. I was naive enough to not know that there was an actual group of people out there whose babies have all died. I know that I was naive before but I am now so glad that I discovered all these amazing people. The baby loss community is one of love and support.

Today something was posted by Franchesca at Still Standing Magazine that was absolutely amazing to me! When I lost Maddox, I experienced and continue to experience multiple emotions, some of which I still don't understand. This post was amazing at explaining the different ways that we all handle loss. It expressed that it is okay to feel how I feel. I am the person who puts on a brave face, even though I feel like I am drowning on the inside. Reading this breaks and heals my heart all at the same time. It is heartbreaking that I lost my son, but it helps me heal to know that I am not alone.

 I included the link for the article I read today, I encourage you all to check it out.

http://stillstandingmag.com/2013/03/the-bereaved-mother-is/

I am a mom

Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am a mom. I have a son. I have children. It is still a very weird thing. I am sure it is weird for all first time mom's to adjust to being called "mom" but it is especially hard when you don't have your baby with you. I know that I am a mom, but most times I don't feel like a mom. Being a mom to a baby that died is a really hard job.

I read a blog post by Lindsey at Still Born and Still Breathing that made me really start thinking about all of this.   (http://www.stillbornandstillbreathing.com/) She wrote today about seeing other mother's and their children and she expressed how alot of us bereaved mother' feel. When I lost Maddox, it was impossible for me to look at another pregnant women without crying. Jealousy and sadness would consume me. Not a negative jealousy, a painful jealousy that is difficult to explain. I am still jealous of all the pregnant women I see and women with their new babies. Why do they get perfect healthy little babies when mine died? I am happy that their babies survived, I just wish mine had too.

A lifetime would not have been enough time with him so not having any time at all is excruciating. I wanted the late and sleepless nights, I wanted to hear him cry, I wanted all the things that some mom's complain about. It hurts so bad to hear people complain on facebook about their pregnancy or their children. I had a terrilbe pregnancy, I was so sick but I would go through it all over again if it meant I got to keep him. I kow that when we do bring a baby home that I will complain about different things that come with parenthood, but I also know that I will hold a different appreciation for that baby because I now know how easily it can all be taken away. I will never take life for granted again.

The point of this whole post is, appreciate your children. Apprecaite your pregnancy because there are no guarantees. Do not expect someone who has lost a baby to have compassion about your complaints. I am sure that it is hard to be tired, but to me I would give anything to be exhausted at work because that would mean my baby was alive. I know that throwing up is awful, but I would throw up after every meal if that meant Maddox would have survived. I would be glad to go through all the  miseries of pregnancy, because having your baby die is a million times more miserable. A million times.

What I am going through

I have had so many things going through my head this morning and I hope that writing them all down will help. First, I re-wrote the story of my pregnancy in great detail. When I tell my story it feels like a weight is lifted. I have written my story multiple times but each time I write it, I learn something new. I will probably re write it many times throughout my life.

The other day we went to the cemetery to take flowers and it is always a peaceful and difficult experience. I feel close to him there, yet so far away. It makes me happy though to take beautiful flowers to the babies. It is little but it is important to me.

I was having a really bad day last week and for just a moment I thought to myself "I just wish somone I was close to understood what I was going through." It is sometimes hard to talk to my family and friends because they do not really understand what I am going through. I don't mean to be rude, I appreciate you all so much but I know that it is a struggle for the people close to me to know what to say at times. Immediately after that thought going through my head I retracted it. I would never wish this life upon anyone. Losing your baby is the most difficult thing and I would not wish it on my worst enemy (cliche I know). I will gladly go through this all on my own if that means no more babies have to die. So today I am thankful for all the love and support I get and I am thankful that nobody can understand what I am going through. That is the way it should be.

Anxiety

Anxiety seems to be my new best friend these past couple of months. I have always been a little prone to anxiety but after losing our babies, it has sky rocketed. I know that it is normal for my emotions to be heightened and I know that anxiety is a normal part of grief and loss, but that does not make it any easier to deal with. The smalles things will send me in to a mini anxiety attack. I feel like I can't breathe, my heart starts racing, and then the tears come. The day to day things I used to do, just feels like too much sometimes.

I stayed home from work yesterday and I did this for a couple of reasons. First, Monday was an awful day! The first thing I thought of when I woke up on Monday is "I can't believe my babies died" Thoughts like this in the morning are awful and everything just spiraled downwards from there. I made it through Monday though, I don't know how actually but I did. Then Tuesday I woke up and I just knew there was no way I was going to be able to function today. I was just too damn sad.

I have sometimes wondered what people think about my sadness or about my inablitity to make it to work some days. I wonder if people think I am using it as an excuse to take a day off or if they think I should not feel this sad still. Trust me, sometimes I wonder if I still feel too sad. Then I have to remind myself that I know in my heart that I am doing the best I can. I have gone through so many traumatic experiences of the past 9 months that I am shocked I am doing as well as I am. I am sure people do not think bad of me but it still worries me. This is just another reason my anxiety is so high! I worry so much about what people think, about the "what if's of life", and all the things I cannot change.

Another thing that was difficult for me and why I am having a rough week was I went to my first baby shower last weekend. My beautiful cousin is getting ready for their first son and I am so happy for them, but it did not make the shower any eaiser for me.  I debated about going to the shower for a very long time, but I knew it was something I needed to face. I knew that the first baby shower I went to was going to be difficult but at least at this shower I would have my family there for support. It was an open house type shower which was wonderful! I did not end up staying very long and left the room crying a couple times, but I made it. I am so glad that I went, I feel like I overcame something that day. Now maybe next time it won't be so hard.

Balloon Release

Today in honor of our sweet angel babies, we had a balloon release ceremony. It was such a beautiful experience! We invited our close friends and family to the cemetery to share in this moment with us. We had over 100 balloons to release in their honor and it was beautiful! It was great to get everyone together and get to share in some good quality time. I love seeing this amazing group of people that we get to call our family.  We are truly loved by so many people and we are so blessed to have them in our lives. Our children are also so loved and somehow knowing that, makes everything a little easier for me. It reminds me that we are not alone in this journey. 

I now feel like a weight has been lifted from me. I did not realize how much anxiety I had about my "due date" until it was over. It is as if by releasing the balloons, I released my stress and even some of my guilt. I feel like now I can move forward, make plans for our future, and I am letting myself be okay with that. I am thankful for our children, our family, our friends, and for our future. 

Kizoa slideshow: Balloon Release - Slideshow

March 1st

 

 

Today is the day I have been dreading for months. My due date. 

I should have a baby. 

But I don't. 

I should be experiencing the happiest time of my life. 

Instead I am experiencing the saddest. 

I am hopeful this day goes quickly. 

The last two nights I have had nothing but nightmares.

It is awful to relive everything in such detail. 

 

 

Cody has already promised to keep us busy. 

First we will get bagels and coffee from Einstein's. 

Second we will go pick up all our prints of our sunset pictures. 

Third we will go walk around Lowe's. 

We love finding new things to do to our home.

We will also take flowers to the cemetery.

Oh how I wish this is something we did not have to do. 

It is a painful thing to take flowers to your child's grave.

I just want this day to end. 

Many family and friends have already texted me this morning

"I am thinking of you and Maddox" is all they said.

It was exactly the thing I needed to get through this day. 

The Life We Lost

 

 

Lately I have been thinking of what I am grieving for the most and while I am grieving for many things, the most difficult thing is the life that we lost. 

From the moment we found out I was pregnant, we began picturing what our lives were going to be like, and also what he was going to be like. 

It never occurred to me that not only would we never know him, we were never going to get the life that we had envisioned with him. 

I grieve for the moments we will never get to experience. We will never get a birthday or a Christmas with him. We don't get to watch him grow and learn. All those precious moments were taken away from us. 

I can't even explain the emptiness I sometimes feel in our home. I feel as if our lives are somehow incomplete. There is something missing. He is missing. 

I grieve for the life we should have had. His life. Our life together.

Now is the part where we find our new lives. The lives that are still filled with love and happiness, but also filled with grief and sorrow. 

A different life than I imagined, but still a beautiful and blessed life. 

 

Sunset Name in the Sand

I finally got my sunset picture for Maddox and it was well worth the wait! For those of you who do not know, a wonderful woman in Australia does this for families who have lost children. She will open up the request every once in a while and then she goes to the beach and writes your child's name in the sand. It is a special thing to know that someone took the time to write my son's name on this beautiful beach in Australia. I am going to blow this picture up and hang it in our home. It is a beautiful thing to memorialize our sweet baby.

If you are interested I have attached the link of the website for the women who does these pictures. The first one is her blog and the second is the sunset beach site.

http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/

Think before you Facebook

Sometimes I wonder what in the hell is going through people's minds when they do and say certain things. I just woke up from a nap and had a post from someone on Facebook that sent me in to tears immediately, and then pure anger. Please, think before you just blindly post on Facebook. Think of others before you put of some political bullshit that you don't understand!

Now we all know there is a huge debate on abortion and we also know that I am not one to start a debate or push my opinions, but I am about to find my voice. Because of my history, my views on abortion have become confused and have grown. I believe in choice. A year ago I would have told you that I would NEVER get an abortion. Well fate has a funny way of testing you. I was faced with the hardest decision of my life, try to carry quadruplets or reduce to twins. Essentially, to have an abortion. I chose the route that gave my other two children the best chance of survival. I hate the decision I had to make, but I know in my heart and soul that I made the right choice.

It is easy to blindly post pictures of a 12 week old, deceased, photo shopped baby and say "This is what we all looked like at 12 weeks. Abortion is legal in all 50 states. Anyone think this is not a person? Please pass along, it might save a life." First of all, to who posted this picture, do you not realize how traumatic it is to see a photo like this for someone who lost 3 babies at 12 weeks, and the final baby at 19 weeks? Second, babies do NOT look like that when they are that early. They photo shopped their skin among other things to make them look healthy and perfect. Third, do not post things that you do not understand. Do not judge when you have no clue what it is like for someone to have to make that kind of decision. It is unfair and selfish of you.

I never in a million years would have thought that I would be arguing for pro abortion. No, I still do not completely agree that someone should get pregnant and then have an abortion because they just do not want a baby, however I do think that everyone should have their choice. It is not anyone's place to judge or try to take away someone's choice.

I really hope I do not offend anyone by this post, I realize that we all have our own beliefs and I respect everyone's opinion. This is just mine. I wanted to share to shed some light on the other side of abortions. It is an awful thing to go through, and most people who have one, will live with the guilt and other emotions for the rest of their lives. Do not judge from the outside. Be a bigger person and try to understand before you make snap judgement's and post hurtful and narrow minded things on Facebook.

Oh Cody

He falls asleep while telling a story

He washes the dishes because he knows it makes me sick

He sews my pants when I rip them

He tells me stories in his sleep

He holds my hand the entire time were in the car

He meets me at the door when I get home from work

He thinks its hilarious that I can't whistle

He has loved me since we were 13

He holds me while I cry for the loss of our son

He gives me words of encouragement when I am feeling down

He kisses me goodbye in the morning, even though I am asleep and have morning breath

He comes to my counseling appointment and holds my hand the whole time

He smiles at me in a way that tells me he adores me

He reminds me that I do not have to be strong all the time

He is strong for me

He is the only reason I survived the last few months

He is my best friend

He is the love of my life