Dear Maddox

I miss you more than I can describe. From the moment I wake up in the morning until I fall asleep at night, I think of nothing but you. When I found out we were having a little boy I was so excited. I imagined holding you in your nursery late into the night. I imagined rocking you to sleep and staring at you for hours and I am so sad that I will never get to do these things. I am thankful though for the time we did get to spend with you. I could have looked at your beautiful face forever and I would do anything to hold you again. Anything. I am happy that we got to spend the time with you, even if it was not enough. I am thankful that we had so many ultrasounds, it was an amazing experience to watch you move and grow..I can't help but smile each time I think of watching you open and close your mouth on the ultrasound screen.

 I was already picturing what you would look like and what you would have been like. I hate that I will never know the answer to these questions. I love you more than I ever thought was possible. You are a part of my soul and I am forever changed by you. I promise to do right by you, to be the best person I can be, and to appreciate life more, because I now understand how fragile life is. I feel so broken and empty inside without you. I keep thinking how wrong this all is, and how unfair. You should still be growing warm and safe in my tummy. You should have been born healthy and crying. I wish I could have done something to change it, I wish many things but more than anything I wish you were here. I miss you sweet baby and I love you.

Sunday

Since the funeral we have made a routine of visiting Maddox on Sunday, it is the best and worst part of my week. There is something peaceful about going to the cemetery. Knowing that I am close to him brings me a sense of peace. However, there are also feelings of frustration and sadness. I am thankful to have somewhere that I can visit him but I also feel that I should not have to visit my baby at a cemetery. It is just not right. I sit there with Cody each Sunday, looking at the fresh flowers we brought him, and feel more emotions than I even thought possible.

At the funeral my wonderful cousin Nancy read a poem and the gist of it was that the wind we feel are angel kisses. During one weak moment of mine at the cemetery, Cody pointed out that the wind is always blowing softly when we are there to visit Maddox. I instantly felt better. That moment gave me so much peace. It feels good to think that maybe the light breeze was nothing more than our perfect angel's kisses. There I was standing in the cemetery, over my babies grave, crying while hugging my husband, and I felt okay. That moment reminded me that I need to look at the positive side of things or the grief and sadness is going to swallow me whole. I need to appreciate the good in our lives rather than focus on all the negative. I am still so early in my grieving process and I know that I am a long way from being alright but at least I know I am headed in the right direction. That is enough for now.

We will continue to visit Maddox each Sunday. Maybe in the future I will not feel the need to go each week but for now it feels necessary. I don't get to be a mom to him in a traditional way so I am going to do everything for him that I can. Even if all I can do is  take a pumpkin to his grave or take flowers each week.I feel better knowing that I am doing all that I can.

Maddox

Death and grief is something I have never had to deal with 

Losing our son has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through 

I miss him and ache to have him back with us 

He is the most perfect thing I have ever seen 

I would do anything to hold him one more time 

I feel like I am drowning and don't know how to swim 

My husband has been my life preserver

I feel guilty when I feel happy

His nursery was meant to be owl themed

I will never look at an owl again without thinking of him

It hurts to think about all we lost

It is difficult to be around people that are happy 

I will never be the same

My heart has forever changed, it now belongs to him 

Reading other women's stories gives me comfort

I feel that maybe I am normal after all

I now sleep with the owl stuffed animal that was meant for him 

I want people to speak his name

I want to talk about him and it not make others uncomfortable

I realize now how petty I can be

This experience has made me want to be a better person 

I want to be more thankful for the things I have instead of unhappy about the things I don't

I want to celebrate his memory 

I love him.