Our story of love, loss, and change.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Cate Ryan

On January 15th, 2014 I gave birth to a perfect little girl. Cate Ryan Moore was born at 5:29 PM, weighing 5 pounds 14 ounces.  She is absolutely amazing! I can't even describe the feeling I get when I look at her..sometimes I have to remind myself that she is mine and that I get to keep her. 

I have gone back and forth about whether or not I am going to write about Cate on this blog or if I should start another one. Tonight I finally decided that this blog is a place where I come to talk about my life, my grief, and my children. I realized that this blog does not need to be just the sad things in my life after losing our children, but it can be a place where I share the good things as well. 

As soon as I even considered getting pregnant again after Maddox I knew it was going to be a struggle. Pregnancy after a loss is one of the most difficult things I have ever gone through, next to actually losing my son. I was so excited to know that we were going to have another child, but I was also so afraid of all the possibilities. Even now that she is here, I worry constantly. I now fully understand how fragile life is and how easily it can be taken away. I know that on the outside I keep my composure but on the inside I feel like I might go crazy from the anxiety. I know that all first mom's can be a little crazy and that it is natural to worry...however I know what it is like to have a child die, so for me it is more than just being a worried first time mom. 

This leads me to another difficult thing that I came across after having Cate, I have been asked an obscene amount of times if she is our first child. When people would ask me, I always took an awkward pause to decide how to answer. Sometimes I would explain that I lost our son at 19 weeks, and that he was one of four babies that I had lost during the 19 week pregnancy. Other times I simply replied "yes, she is our first". When I would say yes I would feel so much guilt. It feels like I am disregarding them now that we have a healthy living baby, but sometimes it is just too much. It is too much to have to explain the whole thing, because it is not a short answer.It is too much pain to have to explain it over and over again. It is too much to see the pity in their eyes. It is too much to see them become uncomfortable and not know what to say. I can't really blame people for asking this question, how are they supposed to know that just over a year ago I went through absolute hell? How would they know that I experienced the unimaginable? They don't mean any harm and they are just being friendly..I just wish I had a better answer. 

Having Cate home has been wonderful and I can't wait for all the future experiences we get to have with her. I certainly am not taking anything for granted. I am enjoying every moment, the good and the bad. I can't wait until the day I get to tell her about her big brother and her other three siblings. 

Monday, December 16, 2013

Oh Christmas Tree

Christmas time is my absolute favorite! However, the past couple of years have been more difficult. Last year I couldn't even pretend to be interested in the holidays when we had just lost Maddox a few months before. This year has been a little different but as it draws closer I realize I am still really struggling. Had he been born when he was supposed to in March, this would be his first Christmas. He would be about 7 months old and we would be preparing for all the celebrations that come with a childs first Christmas. Instead, we are trying to find ways to keep his memory alive through Christmas. We are decorating a Christmas tree just for him and picking out the perfect stocking. While all of this is important and special, I cant help but feel bitter about it. This is not how it is supposed to be. I miss him so much and it seems like I am missing him more during the holiday season. Looking at his little tree though brings me comfort. I love it because it is a way to remember him and it is something special just for him.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Fear and Hope

I can't even count how many times I have opened Blogger, started typing, and then closed it.
I feel like my whole life is absorbed with the baby girl we are expecting and as excited as I am, I am equally scared. A part of me feels like if I type my fears it will bring them to life. So I will not put them into words. However, I will say how happy and thankful we are for this little girl. I am 31 weeks pregnant today and honestly I never thought I would get to this point.

This is another reason why I have had a hard time writing, I feel like this blog is my place for Maddox and it is still hard to talk and think about how excited and happy we are for this new baby, when my heart is still broken for the son I will never get to raise. I think of him and his siblings daily. I look at his tiny hand and footprints each morning before I leave for work and it melts my heart each time. 

I am so afraid that something is going to go wrong with this pregnancy. I don't know if I would survive another loss. For now we are focusing on being positive, enjoying her movements, and looking forward to the future. Within 62 days I will get to meet my daughter and I really cannot wait, but of course I will. She needs to cook a little longer! 

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Approaching One Year

It feels like forever ago that I took some time to write. Sometimes I feel as though I am healed, or at least that I don’t need the release that comes from writing. Days like today remind me though that I am anything but healed. My heart is still in a million pieces and the tape that was holding it together is starting to come undone once again.
In less than a month it will be a year since Maddox was born and died. I cannot believe that it has been a year since I last held him. My heart wants to explode when I really think about this. A mother should get to hold their child every single day! The ridiculousness of the sentence “I have not held my baby in almost a year” makes me want to scream.
Now I am pregnant with this beautiful little miracle but all I can think about is how scared I am. Just because I am healthy and so is the baby, does not mean it is a guarantee. That is one thing I have learned over the last year is that nobody is safe from death and there is no guarantee. Sometimes I think that I have already gone through my loss and there is no way that it could happen to me again. Then I have to remind myself that life does not work that way. I could just as easily lose this new baby and that is so scary.
I lost Maddox at 19 weeks and here right now I am currently 18 weeks with this pregnancy. A part of me feels like I am going to lose this baby at 19 weeks as well, a pregnancy after that point seems unattainable. Of course I am not walking around all doom and gloom all the time, I am so happy to have this baby and I know they are going to be a huge blessing in our lives. I just want the baby here safe and healthy, and then I can spend the rest of my life worrying about them. For that I cannot wait. 

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Baby Moore 02/12/14

Getting that faint pink postivie line was not really expected. Not so soon anyway. We decided to try on our own for a few months since I was having somewhat regular cycles. We expected a few months to pass by with no results and us to have to go back to clomid. But here we are, 13 weeks pregnant with a single baby concieved all on our own.

I took the pregnanct test expecting it to be negative, I was having no symptoms but thought I should check just in case. Then the most faint of lines appeared. I literally ran to the bed and jumped on Cody. He of course wanted to not get our hopes up until we were absolutely sure. So a few days later, I took another test....and another and they all kept coming back brighter and brighter. We were shocked beyond belief!

Then reality started to sink in. What if something went wrong with this baby? Could we live through losing another child. Miscarriages are really common this early on..what if that happened to us? Even now at 13 weeks my fears have not eased. I look at this ultrasound and I try to feel nothing but joy, but how can I when I know all of the many things that can go wrong with such a young and tiny baby.

Also, something I did not expect was how difficult it would be emotionally to be pregnant again. I feel like I cry more over Maddox now then I did in the few previous months. I miss him so much and my heart aches to have my baby boy back.

I know that we are ready for this new baby, we are already parents and it is time to put those instincts in to play. I am so excited to be having such an easy pregnancy and now I am just hopeful that I can continue down this path and give birth to a healthy baby who we will get to raise. I am due February 12, 2014, only two weeks different than my due date with Maddox.

For now we will enjoy the little things and hope for the best. All the while still missing our other Angels. <3

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Random Acts of Kindness

When I originally thought of planning Maddox's first birthday, never did I think I would be planning ways to remember him. But here we are.

His birthday is a little over 2 months away and I have pondered over many ideas. One idea though kept coming back to me over and over again. I saw this idea on another blog and I feel that it is the best way to honor our little boy.

Random Acts of Kindness.

I am going to ask all of our family and friends, including the wonderful people I have met through this blog, to participate in this. This is the reason I am announcing it kind of early. I would like to give everyone plenty of time.

At some point between now and Maddox's birthday on October 5th, please take a little time and do something kind for a stranger in Maddox's name.

I would love to hear what everyone does so if possible, email me, call me, or message me what your random act of kindness was.

A mother shouldn't have to plan her dead child's first birthday celebration, but I am trying to make the best of it. I know that we are all extremely busy, but keep in mind how big of a differenc one small act of kindness can make in someone's life. Plus, it is an amazing way to remember a very special little boy.
Thanks again everyone for your continuous love and support. <3

Below I have listed a few ideas to get you started.

  • Collect items for a charity (food, clothes, etc.)
  • Volunteer (school, nursing home, hotpital, etc.)
  • When buying your coffee, purchase the person's behind you
  • Bring co-workers a special treat
  • Slip paper hearts that say “It’s Random Acts of Kindness Week! Have a great day!” under the windshield wipers of parked cars
  • Take baked goods to your neighbors
  • Give blood
  • Put change in a vending machine for the next person
  • Take flowers to a hospital
  • Donate clothes and other supplies to a homeless shelter

These are of course just a few ideas, get creative and do something kind! Opening the door for someone or telling a stranger to have a good day can make a huge impact! Oh and remember that Google is your friend, there are a ton of great ideas on the internet.