Our story of love, loss, and change.

Sunday, January 27, 2013


Today while looking for quotes to put on Maddox's head stone (a terrible thing no parent should have to do) I found multiple quotes that are amazing. Sometimes I have a hard time finding the right words to express myself, but these quotes are absolutely wonderful. I still have not found the right one for his head stone but I know I will find something perfect. If anyone has any ideas, I would love to hear them!

“How very quietly you tiptoed into our world, silently, only a moment you stayed. But what an imprint your footprints have left upon our hearts.’” -Unknown

“You may not be living here for all to see but in my heart you will be living forever , you will always be with me.”

“Do not judge the bereaved mother.
She comes in many forms.
She is breathing, but she is dying.
She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.
She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS,
but she IS NOT, all at once.
She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.”

Also, music has been a great way of expressing my emotions. So many songs make me cry these days. It is a love / hate thing for me with a lot of songs.

Taylor Swift speaks to my heart.

I realize that her songs are about boys and break ups but they are still really relateable.

I have attached a song that makes me cry EVERYTIME. If you really listen to the words, you will understand why.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Puppy Love

We have been considering getting a new puppy for weeks now and last night we just couldn't resist any longer. We got a tiny little girl and we named her Zoey. She is a daschund/yorkie mix and she is adorable!

 I honestly forgot how much work a puppy is but I know she will be worth it. I had many reasons for wanting a puppy and I had an equal amount of reasons for not wanting one.

I kept thinking that maybe a puppy would help me heal and give me something to look forward to. I mean a puppy can make anybody happy!

Another part of me felt like I was trying to fill a void and I kept telling myself that it was dumb to even try to fill the gaping hole inside of me. Also, puppies are a lot of work and somedays it is a struggle to get out of bed so how in the world am I going to take care of another living thing!?

Over all I am really glad that we got her, it will be hard at times but it will also be a lot of good times. Hopefully this little sweetheart will help mend the broken pieces of my heart.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

The Happiest Place on Earth

Grief is mean, it is ugly, and it is here to stay..

I have so many thoughts running through my head this morning. I keep thinking how I am not this person. First, I am not the person who's baby dies. This is the stuff you read about, feel a moment of sadness when you hear about it, and then you move on. Because this kind of stuff doesn't happen to me. Yet it did and honestly there are still moments when none of it feels real. Second, I am not the person who is sad all the time. I have always been a happy person. Even though my life has been anything but a walk in the park, I have always made it through, smiling. Now I feel as if I dont even know that part of me anymore. Of course I have moments of happiness. I can laugh with my friends, enjoy normal conversations with my family, and be a good wife and friend to Cody. However, it is all tainted with sadness. I can laugh and hang out with friends, but I go home and I cry. I can go to the grocery store with Cody and have a great time being silly with eachother, but my heart breaks when I choose what flowers to take to Maddox.

It is weird for me to be this sad and I don't know how to stop. I feel stuck right now. I have to drag myself out of bed in the morning, I barely make it through work most days, and my nights usually end in tears. This is not how my life was supposed to me. I know that one day it will get easier but for now, I can't even see the light at the end of the tunnel.

While talking to Cody a couple weeks ago we decided that we needed to do something for ourselves that will make us happy and that will give us something to look forward to. So we decided to plan a Disneyland trip! I really love Disneyland, probably a little too much for an adult but it really is The Happiest Place on Earth, at least for me anyway.We booked our hotel, bought our tickets, and on May 5th, we are driving our butts to California. I am really looking forward to a week of fun, no work, and good memories. <3

Tuesday, January 8, 2013


I have previously mentioned one of the blogs I follow "Rockstar Ronan"
This woman is amazing to me and has helped me so much in my grieving process
Her son died when he was three from cancer..heartbreaking stuff
Since then she has been doing wonderful things to fund research for childhood cancer
She posted a petition that their foundation is working on right now and I am asking all of you to take a moment and please sign the petition
Since following her blog I am realizing that childhood cancer is extremely under acknowledged
Think about all the recognition and support that breast cancer gets..shouldn't childhood cancer be the same?
I think so
Anyway I would greatly appreciate it and I know she would as well if you would take a moment to sign her petition

Here is the link for her blog so you can read about it and the link for the petition

Love you guys!



Monday, January 7, 2013


I am a procrastinator

I know this about myself and honestly I am okay with it

Sometimes I actually work better under pressure

Last night I finally did something that I know I should have done a while ago

We packed up all the clothes, blankets, and other items we had purchased or gotten for Maddox

The reason this became a necessity was because I went in to the other bedroom to get some art supplies and saw the precious outfit I had bought him just weeks before he passed away and I couldn't stop crying

Packing up those clothes broke my heart but I know it is an important part of coming to terms with the fact that he is gone

Today has now been a pretty terrible day

I had a slight panic attack before coming into work because I hate that he is gone and that instead of preparing his nursery, we are packing up the few items that should have belonged to him


As my due date draws closer I can feel my chest get tighter

Right now I would have 7 weeks until he would have been born, I should still be pregnant right now and a part of me is still quite bitter that I am not

I am taking the day off of work on March 1st

I have a feeling it is not going to be a good day for me, I will survive though...Somehow 

Wednesday, January 2, 2013


I would love to be able to post a happy, positive, and uplifting thoughts for the new year. Unfortunately I am unable to do that. 2012 was the worst year or my life! I was sick as a dog from May to October. Five months of not being able to eat, only wanting to sleep, and being terrified. Terrified of having four babies, terrified of having no babies. Then we all know how that ended, horribly.

2013 is not starting out a whole lot better. Reading all the Facebook status updates about how great 2012 was and how everyone is looking forward to 2013 just hurts. Don't get me wrong, I am glad that everyone else is good and happy but 2013 was supposed to be our year. 2013 was supposed to be the year we have our first child. The year our son was born, had his first Christmas etc...instead 2013 is the year we mourn our son, the year we try to put our lives back together and the year we try to move forward.

I hope that this year is better for us and I hope that we can move forward. I also hope that some of our pain and heartache will subside. I know it will never go away but I hope that one day it won't hurt so bad. 2013 will not be the year we imagined, but I hope it will turn out okay.

Happy New Year Friends. Love you all!