Loving Life

Laying in bed last night

Listening to Cody snore

After having yet another giggle session together

I thought to myself "I love my life"

This sleepy thought startled me into conciousness

How can I possibly think I love my life

When my son died?

Then I really started thinking about my life

I have been so blessed

Of course I have had many trials

Especially the trial of losing Maddox

Sometimes I have felt like I dont know how I will make it through

Then Cody looks at me with all the love in the world

Or a friend or family member will reach out to me

I am then reminded how lucky I really am

It is easy to get down and negative

To get wrapped up in the never ending grief

However, life is too short to live that way

Each day is a struggle

A struggle to act normal

To be happy

But I am trying

We are planning for the future

Planning another addition to our family

Moving forward

Life is difficult

Life is terrifying

Life is beautiful

Guilt

I experienced yet another trigger last week

Something little happens and it feels as if my feet are knocked out from under me 

All the questions, the guilt, and the pain hits me like a ton of bricks

Again and again

None of it ever really went away

I just became numb

Another family had quadruplets, they chose to take the risk
The risk of carrying four babies
We chose the alternate route
I still wonder if we did the right thing, or the easy thing

Grief can be an ugly thing that makes you question everything
I realize that I am still not a peace with the decision we made
I am unsure if I will ever be able to be okay about it
The "what if's" haunt me every day
The anxiety eats away at me

I will never know what would have happend if we had kept all four babies
Who knows, we could have lost them all at 19 weeks
That would have been just as awful
I do know that if I had it all to do over again, I would not have done the reduction
It may have been the right thing then, but now I wish we had let nature take its course

I understand that there is no point dwelling on the past
It is easy to say that when you are not the one who has to live with the grief
The one who has to live with the choice to end your children's lives
It is a decision that nobody should ever have to make

My First Guest Post - Loss Through the Looking Glass

One of my many favorite things about blogging is finding new blogs and connecting with other baby loss mom's. There is something comforting about being able to share my story with others and to know that these women really understand. It breaks my heart that there are so many women who understand but at least we can be there for eachother.

One of the blog's I follow shared a blog that she came across called "Loss Through the Looking Glass" They do a lot of guests post and so I submitted a post last night and it is already on their blog! I was happy and grateful to get to share our story with more people. I am hopeful that it will help me connect with other women and bring a little bit of comfort and understanding to all of us. I encourage anyone who wants to share their story to submit a post to the blog. <3

View my blog post here

A Funeral, Some Grief, and a New Life

On Easter my Great Grandpa Lambson passed away at the age of 89. He was such an amazing man and I am so grateful that I was able to know him. Below are some of the photo's from his funeral. He was in the Navy and it was very special to see my Great Grandpa honored this way and to watch my Grandpa accept the flag. It was a truly special day for my family.

 

Friday was a very emotional day for me. We attended the beautiful funeral for my Grandpa, it was exactly six months since Maddox passed away, and my cousins had their little boy. The day was filled with sadness and joy. My Grandpa lived a wonderful life and it was great to share all our memories of this amazing person. The last photo was taken on mine and Cody's wedding day. I absolutely love this photo of him about to hug me. Precious stuff right there. 

 Since Maddox's nursery was going to be owl themed, owls now hold a special meaning for us. I found this cute little wooden owl at The Wood Connection and couldn't wait to make it! I think it is pretty adorable. I love adding special things to our home to memorialize Maddox. It is important to me to make his presence known in our home. This is a picture of the ledge on our stairs and as you can see, most of it is dedicated to our angel baby. 

My cousin's welcomed their healthy and beautiful little boy on Friday. We are planning on going to visit them and I am actually pretty nervous about it. I have not been around a newborn since Maddox and I certainly have not held another one since him. I know that it will be difficult for us but I also know it is an important part in our healing process.