Our story of love, loss, and change.

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Kindness Matters

I had something pretty amazing happen to me yesterday and this person probably doesn't even know that they did anything. 

I was leaving work holding a left over Easter balloon from an activity we had done that day. As I was walking out I saw my friend and co-worker who is probably around 8 months pregnant. She asked me what I was doing with the balloon and I kinda panicked for a moment.  Do I tell her that I plan to take it to the cemetery for Maddox, or make up a lie to avoid an awkward exchange? I chose to see how it went. I say "I am going to take it the cemetery" Her response "Oh how nice, where is he buried?" I can't even explain the relief I felt. She could have shut down, acted awkward, or changed the subject. Instead she was kind and compassionate. We talked a little more and it was the best moment of my day. While I was driving home I couldn't help but cry with happiness.

I sometimes feel like I can't speak of Maddox. When I do I get many reactions that are just too hard to deal with. I can't hear anymore "He is in a better place" or "Everything happens for a reason". What reason is there? There is no "bigger plan" out there. I cannot bring myself to believe that God had some reason for my baby dying. The placenta detached and our son died. That is the end of it. Her talking to me, asking questions about where we buried him was all I needed. I know that people mean well but please just ask me how I am. Talk to me about him. Tell me how you feel. Yes I may cry, but I cry anyway. At  least if I cry with you, I won't be alone. Don't try to take my pain away by not speaking of him, it only hurts worse. 

I am not looking forward to Easter. It should have been the first holiday we celebrated with our son. Instead we are celebrating without him. I don't know if I really can celebrate anymore. I will need strength to get through tomorrow. Luckily I have the perfect family to give me that strength. 

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Sweet Maddox

My dear sweet Maddox,

The past couple days have been difficult and I feel as if this day is going to be worse. I miss you so much it hurts. I am exhausted because I can't sleep. I lay in bed and think of you. I want you hear with me, I want to hold you, and I want to raise you. I have accepted that you are never coming back, but that doesn't mean my heart doesn't hurt everytime I think about you. When I walk in the room that was supposed to be yours, it takes my breath away. I had it all pictured in my head. I knew where your crib would go, I knew where I would put the rocker that I would sit with you in. So to walk in there and it be the same junk room that it has always been, breaks my heart a little more each time. We still have items around the house that were meant for you, now they are painful reminders that you will never get to use them. I can't bring myself to get rid of the two bottles in the cupboard. Yesterday I finally took the two bouncers that your Grandma bought for you and the other baby and donated them. I could not look at them anymore. Each time I looked at the bouncer, I couldn't help but picture you in it. Donating it for a good cause seemed like the right thing to do.

Last night I had my first meltdown in a while. I think that I am supressing my feelings a bit. I will go days and days without crying but when I finally let my guard down, it all comes rushing back. The days I went feeling okay, make the days I am not okay, that much worse. I am just so lucky to have your daddy. He is so strong for me. Last night he told me of how excited he was for you, and how sad he is that you are gone. Seeing that pain in his eyes makes my stomach turn everytime. At the same time, it also makes me happy that you have a daddy that loves you so much. I wish I had  picture of him holding you in the hospital. It was the most precious moment of my life.

I think of you morning, day, and night. You are the last thing on my mind before I go to sleep, and the first thing on my mind when I wake up. There are no words to express how much I love you and how much I miss you.

Love you always,


Monday, March 25, 2013

Baby Loss Community

Have you ever read something that gives you the chills? Or something that makes you cry?
As a bereaved mother I come across posts that make me cry, that make me happy, that make me feel less alone, and then posts that make me feel all of the above.

The baby loss community to me is a wonderful and almost secret society. I was naive enough to not know that there was an actual group of people out there whose babies have all died. I know that I was naive before but I am now so glad that I discovered all these amazing people. The baby loss community is one of love and support.

Today something was posted by Franchesca at Still Standing Magazine that was absolutely amazing to me! When I lost Maddox, I experienced and continue to experience multiple emotions, some of which I still don't understand. This post was amazing at explaining the different ways that we all handle loss. It expressed that it is okay to feel how I feel. I am the person who puts on a brave face, even though I feel like I am drowning on the inside. Reading this breaks and heals my heart all at the same time. It is heartbreaking that I lost my son, but it helps me heal to know that I am not alone.

 I included the link for the article I read today, I encourage you all to check it out.


Thursday, March 21, 2013

I am a mom

Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am a mom. I have a son. I have children. It is still a very weird thing. I am sure it is weird for all first time mom's to adjust to being called "mom" but it is especially hard when you don't have your baby with you. I know that I am a mom, but most times I don't feel like a mom. Being a mom to a baby that died is a really hard job.

I read a blog post by Lindsey at Still Born and Still Breathing that made me really start thinking about all of this.   (http://www.stillbornandstillbreathing.com/) She wrote today about seeing other mother's and their children and she expressed how alot of us bereaved mother' feel. When I lost Maddox, it was impossible for me to look at another pregnant women without crying. Jealousy and sadness would consume me. Not a negative jealousy, a painful jealousy that is difficult to explain. I am still jealous of all the pregnant women I see and women with their new babies. Why do they get perfect healthy little babies when mine died? I am happy that their babies survived, I just wish mine had too.

A lifetime would not have been enough time with him so not having any time at all is excruciating. I wanted the late and sleepless nights, I wanted to hear him cry, I wanted all the things that some mom's complain about. It hurts so bad to hear people complain on facebook about their pregnancy or their children. I had a terrilbe pregnancy, I was so sick but I would go through it all over again if it meant I got to keep him. I kow that when we do bring a baby home that I will complain about different things that come with parenthood, but I also know that I will hold a different appreciation for that baby because I now know how easily it can all be taken away. I will never take life for granted again.

The point of this whole post is, appreciate your children. Apprecaite your pregnancy because there are no guarantees. Do not expect someone who has lost a baby to have compassion about your complaints. I am sure that it is hard to be tired, but to me I would give anything to be exhausted at work because that would mean my baby was alive. I know that throwing up is awful, but I would throw up after every meal if that meant Maddox would have survived. I would be glad to go through all the  miseries of pregnancy, because having your baby die is a million times more miserable. A million times.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

What I am going through

I have had so many things going through my head this morning and I hope that writing them all down will help. First, I re-wrote the story of my pregnancy in great detail. When I tell my story it feels like a weight is lifted. I have written my story multiple times but each time I write it, I learn something new. I will probably re write it many times throughout my life.

The other day we went to the cemetery to take flowers and it is always a peaceful and difficult experience. I feel close to him there, yet so far away. It makes me happy though to take beautiful flowers to the babies. It is little but it is important to me.

I was having a really bad day last week and for just a moment I thought to myself "I just wish somone I was close to understood what I was going through." It is sometimes hard to talk to my family and friends because they do not really understand what I am going through. I don't mean to be rude, I appreciate you all so much but I know that it is a struggle for the people close to me to know what to say at times. Immediately after that thought going through my head I retracted it. I would never wish this life upon anyone. Losing your baby is the most difficult thing and I would not wish it on my worst enemy (cliche I know). I will gladly go through this all on my own if that means no more babies have to die. So today I am thankful for all the love and support I get and I am thankful that nobody can understand what I am going through. That is the way it should be.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013


Anxiety seems to be my new best friend these past couple of months. I have always been a little prone to anxiety but after losing our babies, it has sky rocketed. I know that it is normal for my emotions to be heightened and I know that anxiety is a normal part of grief and loss, but that does not make it any easier to deal with. The smalles things will send me in to a mini anxiety attack. I feel like I can't breathe, my heart starts racing, and then the tears come. The day to day things I used to do, just feels like too much sometimes.

I stayed home from work yesterday and I did this for a couple of reasons. First, Monday was an awful day! The first thing I thought of when I woke up on Monday is "I can't believe my babies died" Thoughts like this in the morning are awful and everything just spiraled downwards from there. I made it through Monday though, I don't know how actually but I did. Then Tuesday I woke up and I just knew there was no way I was going to be able to function today. I was just too damn sad.

I have sometimes wondered what people think about my sadness or about my inablitity to make it to work some days. I wonder if people think I am using it as an excuse to take a day off or if they think I should not feel this sad still. Trust me, sometimes I wonder if I still feel too sad. Then I have to remind myself that I know in my heart that I am doing the best I can. I have gone through so many traumatic experiences of the past 9 months that I am shocked I am doing as well as I am. I am sure people do not think bad of me but it still worries me. This is just another reason my anxiety is so high! I worry so much about what people think, about the "what if's of life", and all the things I cannot change.

Another thing that was difficult for me and why I am having a rough week was I went to my first baby shower last weekend. My beautiful cousin is getting ready for their first son and I am so happy for them, but it did not make the shower any eaiser for me.  I debated about going to the shower for a very long time, but I knew it was something I needed to face. I knew that the first baby shower I went to was going to be difficult but at least at this shower I would have my family there for support. It was an open house type shower which was wonderful! I did not end up staying very long and left the room crying a couple times, but I made it. I am so glad that I went, I feel like I overcame something that day. Now maybe next time it won't be so hard.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Balloon Release

Today in honor of our sweet angel babies, we had a balloon release ceremony. It was such a beautiful experience! We invited our close friends and family to the cemetery to share in this moment with us. We had over 100 balloons to release in their honor and it was beautiful! It was great to get everyone together and get to share in some good quality time. I love seeing this amazing group of people that we get to call our family.  We are truly loved by so many people and we are so blessed to have them in our lives. Our children are also so loved and somehow knowing that, makes everything a little easier for me. It reminds me that we are not alone in this journey. 

I now feel like a weight has been lifted from me. I did not realize how much anxiety I had about my "due date" until it was over. It is as if by releasing the balloons, I released my stress and even some of my guilt. I feel like now I can move forward, make plans for our future, and I am letting myself be okay with that. I am thankful for our children, our family, our friends, and for our future. 

Friday, March 1, 2013

March 1st



Today is the day I have been dreading for months. My due date. 
I should have a baby. 
But I don't. 
I should be experiencing the happiest time of my life. 
Instead I am experiencing the saddest. 
I am hopeful this day goes quickly. 
The last two nights I have had nothing but nightmares.
It is awful to relive everything in such detail. 
Cody has already promised to keep us busy. 
First we will get bagels and coffee from Einstein's. 
Second we will go pick up all our prints of our sunset pictures. 
Third we will go walk around Lowe's. 
We love finding new things to do to our home.
We will also take flowers to the cemetery.
Oh how I wish this is something we did not have to do. 
It is a painful thing to take flowers to your child's grave.
I just want this day to end. 
Many family and friends have already texted me this morning
"I am thinking of you and Maddox" is all they said.
It was exactly the thing I needed to get through this day.