Our story of love, loss, and change.





Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Anxiety




Anxiety seems to be my new best friend these past couple of months. I have always been a little prone to anxiety but after losing our babies, it has sky rocketed. I know that it is normal for my emotions to be heightened and I know that anxiety is a normal part of grief and loss, but that does not make it any easier to deal with. The smalles things will send me in to a mini anxiety attack. I feel like I can't breathe, my heart starts racing, and then the tears come. The day to day things I used to do, just feels like too much sometimes.

I stayed home from work yesterday and I did this for a couple of reasons. First, Monday was an awful day! The first thing I thought of when I woke up on Monday is "I can't believe my babies died" Thoughts like this in the morning are awful and everything just spiraled downwards from there. I made it through Monday though, I don't know how actually but I did. Then Tuesday I woke up and I just knew there was no way I was going to be able to function today. I was just too damn sad.

I have sometimes wondered what people think about my sadness or about my inablitity to make it to work some days. I wonder if people think I am using it as an excuse to take a day off or if they think I should not feel this sad still. Trust me, sometimes I wonder if I still feel too sad. Then I have to remind myself that I know in my heart that I am doing the best I can. I have gone through so many traumatic experiences of the past 9 months that I am shocked I am doing as well as I am. I am sure people do not think bad of me but it still worries me. This is just another reason my anxiety is so high! I worry so much about what people think, about the "what if's of life", and all the things I cannot change.

Another thing that was difficult for me and why I am having a rough week was I went to my first baby shower last weekend. My beautiful cousin is getting ready for their first son and I am so happy for them, but it did not make the shower any eaiser for me.  I debated about going to the shower for a very long time, but I knew it was something I needed to face. I knew that the first baby shower I went to was going to be difficult but at least at this shower I would have my family there for support. It was an open house type shower which was wonderful! I did not end up staying very long and left the room crying a couple times, but I made it. I am so glad that I went, I feel like I overcame something that day. Now maybe next time it won't be so hard.


2 comments:

  1. Anyone who thinks poorly of you for taking care of your own mental and physical health can go to hell. Seriously, you are incredibly strong and you shouldn't let what other people think bring you down. There is no time table for grief everyone heals at a different pace!

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  2. Thanks Anna! I appreciate your support. I really think I am just being overly worried about people. Nobody has said anything I am just paranoid haha.

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