I am a mom

Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am a mom. I have a son. I have children. It is still a very weird thing. I am sure it is weird for all first time mom's to adjust to being called "mom" but it is especially hard when you don't have your baby with you. I know that I am a mom, but most times I don't feel like a mom. Being a mom to a baby that died is a really hard job.

I read a blog post by Lindsey at Still Born and Still Breathing that made me really start thinking about all of this.   (http://www.stillbornandstillbreathing.com/) She wrote today about seeing other mother's and their children and she expressed how alot of us bereaved mother' feel. When I lost Maddox, it was impossible for me to look at another pregnant women without crying. Jealousy and sadness would consume me. Not a negative jealousy, a painful jealousy that is difficult to explain. I am still jealous of all the pregnant women I see and women with their new babies. Why do they get perfect healthy little babies when mine died? I am happy that their babies survived, I just wish mine had too.

A lifetime would not have been enough time with him so not having any time at all is excruciating. I wanted the late and sleepless nights, I wanted to hear him cry, I wanted all the things that some mom's complain about. It hurts so bad to hear people complain on facebook about their pregnancy or their children. I had a terrilbe pregnancy, I was so sick but I would go through it all over again if it meant I got to keep him. I kow that when we do bring a baby home that I will complain about different things that come with parenthood, but I also know that I will hold a different appreciation for that baby because I now know how easily it can all be taken away. I will never take life for granted again.

The point of this whole post is, appreciate your children. Apprecaite your pregnancy because there are no guarantees. Do not expect someone who has lost a baby to have compassion about your complaints. I am sure that it is hard to be tired, but to me I would give anything to be exhausted at work because that would mean my baby was alive. I know that throwing up is awful, but I would throw up after every meal if that meant Maddox would have survived. I would be glad to go through all the  miseries of pregnancy, because having your baby die is a million times more miserable. A million times.