Memories

Christmas is over and part of me is glad

I had a better time than I thought I would

There was just something missing

Maddox was missing

Yet I felt him all around us 

My family was so thoughtful in remembering him

I will be forever grateful for all of their kindness 

These ornaments were given to us by our families. Cody's mom bought us the heart ornament.

We both love it. Then my aunt Jeanne gave us the adorable bear with the M on it. The thoughtfulness of these gifts warm my heart. 

I decided tonight to share some of the memorabilia we have of Maddox 

These items are now my most precious belongings 

This is the blanket that Maddox is buried in. Cody's mom Tanya made it for him. It is a little pouch that he was tucked safely into. The hat was crocheted by Cody's grandma Margaret. They are absolutely perfect. I am so thankful that he has something homemade from the heart.

 

These are his adorable hats. The white hat is the one that he wore in the hospital. The owl hat was just crocheted by Cody's grandma for Christmas, and the green one is just like the one he is buried in. The green hat is about two inches long and it was still a little big on him.

 This is the absolute most important thing to me! This is a standard piece of paper. His tiny little fingers were amazing. I could have stared at them forever. I wish more than anything I could see them again. I am at least thankful to have these. 

 These amazing little moldings blew our minds when we first saw them. I love his intertwined fingers and his tiny beautiful little feet. I put my wedding right next to them to show just how small his hands were. How beautifully perfect he is...

Life just seems so unfair

 When we lost Maddox I felt as if my entire world collapsed around me. Nothing is right anymore. That perfect little boy changed me. Not just my life but me as a person. Words can't even describe the pain I feel when I realize that I will never get him back. He is gone. Those three words break my heart.

The shooting in Connecticut this past Friday was an awful act of evil. Those poor children should have lived long and happy lives. My heart hurts so badly for their families. A parent should NEVER have to bury their child. It is the cruelest thing a family will ever go through. I can't even count the number of times "it's not fair" has run throuh my mind since we lost Maddox and now with this shooting. Babies and children are not supposed to die. It is all such bull shit.

I have begun following multiple blogs since we lost Maddox and they have been so helpful to my soul. To know that other people are out there that really, truly understand what I am going through has made a tremendous difference. One blog in particular "Rock Star Ronan" makes me so happy and so sad at the same time. She gets it. She lost her son to cancer at three years old. So unfair. I love reading her blog because she says it like it is. I highly reccomend that everyone take some time and read it. Even if you have never lost a child, this woman will touch your heart. It is truly inspiring.

After the shooting she posted the below article and it has some wonderful information. Honestly I wish that I had read something like this a long time ago. I use to be that person that had no idea what to say when someone passed away. I was awkward and usually just avoided it. I will never be that person again. Hopefully this article will help to know what types of things grieving parents do and do not want/need to hear after the loss of a child.


Below is an article published by the Huffington Post by Rev. Emily C. Heath.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rev-emily-c-heath/dealing-with-grief-five-t_b_2303910.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000003

"We often have no idea what to say in the face of senseless loss. That is especially true when children are the victims of tragedy. Today's shooting in Connecticut is heartbreaking in so many ways, not the least of which is the staggering loss of children.

My first two years in ministry were spent as a chaplain assigned to the emergency department of a children's hospital with a level one trauma center. During that ministry I saw so many senseless tragedies. I also heard some of the worst theology of my life coming from people who thought they were bringing comfort to the parents. More often than not, they weren't. And often, they made the situation worse.

Here are five things not to say to grieving family and friends:

1. "God just needed another angel."

Portraying God as someone who arbitrarily kills kids to fill celestial openings is neither faithful to God, nor helpful to grieving parents.

2. "Thank goodness you have other children," or, "You're young. You can have more kids."

Children are not interchangeable or replaceable. The loss of a child will always be a loss, no matter how many other children a parent has or will have.

3. He/she was just on loan to you from God.

The message is that God is so capricious that God will break parents' hearts at will just because God can. It also communicates to parents and loved ones that they are not really entitled to their grief.

4. God doesn't give you more than you can handle.

Actually, some people do get a lot more than any one person should ever have to handle. And it doesn't come from God. Don't trivialize someone's grief with a "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" mentality.

5. We may not understand it, but this was God's will.

Unless you are God, don't use this line.


And here are five things to say:

1. I don't believe God wanted this or willed it.

A grieving friend or family member is likely hearing that this is God's will from a number of other people. Affirm the idea that it may very well not be.

2. It's okay to be angry, and I'm a safe person for you express that anger to if you need it.

Anger is an essential part of the grieving process, but many don't know where to talk about it because they are often silenced by others when they express their feelings. (For instance, they may be told they have no right to be angry at God.) By saying you are a safe person to share all feelings, including anger, with, you help the grieving person know where they can turn.

3. It's not okay.

It seems so obvious, but sometimes this doesn't get said. Sometimes the pieces don't fit. Sometimes nothing works out right. And sometimes there is no way to fix it. Naming it can be helpful for some because it lets them know you won't sugarcoat their grief.

4. I don't know why this happened.

When trauma happens, the shock and emotion comes first. But not long after comes our human need to try to explain "why?" The reality is that often we cannot. The grieving person will likely have heard a lot of theories about why a trauma occurred. Sometimes it's best not to add to the chorus, but to just acknowledge what you do not know.

5. I can't imagine what you are going through, but I am here to support you in whatever way feels best.

Even if you have faced a similar loss, remember that each loss is different. Saying "I know how you're feeling" is often untrue. Instead, ask how the grieving person is feeling. And then ask what you can do to help. Then, do it and respect the boundaries around what they don't want help with at this point. You will be putting some control back into the hands of the grieving person, who often feels like they have lost so much of it."

Just hold my hand and let me cry

 

Tonight Cody and I went to a counselor, originally our appointment was not until the 21st but I decided I could not wait. It was a good meeting and I am really glad we went. Honestly it is not like it was a life changing moment, in general it just reassured me that the feelings I am having and everything I am thinking, is normal. She assured me that where I am at in my grief is exactly where I should be.

Something I have been worried about is how much I avoid painful things. I avoid pregnant women, babies, and any talk that has to do with pregnancy or babies. I needed to know that this is still an okay thing to be doing. I know that eventually I will need to face all of it but for now avoiding is the only way I know how to make it through the day.  

Another thing I realized during our session is I need to be better about telling people when they say or do things that have upset me. I know that people are just trying to be helpful and raise my spirits, but sometimes some things that people say don't actually help. I do not need incredible words of wisdom, I simply need to know that people are there to listen and will let me cry. 

I also want to express to those close to me that you should not be afraid to bring Maddox up. He is always on my mind, you can't bring him up and it upset me because I was already thinking of him. I love hearing people say his name, I love knowing that he is thought of and that he is loved. Even though it is difficult at times, I want to talk about him and the things we went through. I do not want people to feel uncomfortable talking about him because it certainly does not make me feel uncomfortable, it makes me happier than I can even express through words. I know that everyone worries about me and they don't want me to be sad, but I am sad. Let me be sad.

Below is a poem that the counselor gave me and I was glad to read it and know that others that have experienced loss, feel the same way.  

Don't tell me that you understand. 

Don't tell me that you know. 

Don't tell me that I will survive

How I will surely grow. 

Don't tell me this is just a test, 

That I am truly blessed, 

That I am chosen for this task, 

Apart from all the rest. 

Don't come at me with answers, 

That can only come from me. 

Don't tell me how to suffer, 

And don't tell me how to cry. 

My life is filled with selfishness, 

My pain is all I see. 

But I need you; I need your love, 

Unconditionally. 

Accept me in my ups and downs

I need someone to share. 

Just hold my hand and let me cry, 

And say "my friend I care."

-Joanetta Hendel

Angel Tree

This year Christmas has not been as exciting as years in the past. It has been difficult to celebrate when I am feeling so low. I was trying to find ways to find joy and thought that doing an angel tree would be a great way to bring us some happiness, and it worked! 

We went to the store and it broke my heart how many childrens names were still on the tree, so we decided to take two kids. We took a three year old boy and a five year old girl . Above are some of the things we got them. We are taking them in on Monday after work and we still have a few things to get them, but it is all cute and was a lot of fun.

The litte boy needed pants and jackets so we got him two jackets and a nice pair of levis. He wanted car toys so we got him hot wheels (every little boy needs hot wheels) and then a bigger car that you can take apart and build again. How cute is that! We want to get him something else but I really don't know what to buy a three year old...

Then for the little girl she needed shoes and pants. We still need to get the shoes but I found a super cute pair of levis! Then she wanted art supplies and Repunzal toys. I never realized how expensive barbies were! It was worth it though because she is going to love the bath time fun Rapunzel! Then Cody's mom got her a bunch of cute stuff from Claires. I love the bright colors and I just know this little girl is going to be in love when she gets all this!  

It makes me so grateful that we were able to do this for kids who probably wouldn't get a very good Christmas otherwise. We are donating them in honor of Maddox and I had other family members do the same and I am very grateful for that! This is what Christmas should be about, making others day brighter. I am so happy we did this and I hope to do it more in the future.

Counseling??

I finally made an appointment to see a counselor today... I have thought about it many time and have been putting it off. I dont really know what made me do it, but I know it was the right thing to do. I think a part of me was hoping I was strong enough to deal with all of this without having to go see a counselor. Then I realized that it's not that I am weak, I just need a little help. I am not one to ask for help easily so this was in no way an easy decision for me.

I have so many thoughts in my head and I feel like if I could just get them all out maybe I would feel a little better. I know that I have many people in my life to talk to and of course this blog but I know that I supress some thoughts. Maybe if I can start from the beginning, explain it all to someone, then maybe it will help me understand some of the million feelings I have.

Cody is going to the session with me and for that I am forever grateful. I know that I am so lucky to have him in my life. He is so patient with me and willing to do whatever I need to make it through this horrific time in our lives. I really love that man.

Our  meeting with the counselor is not til the 21st but I know it will be beneficial for us, well for me and hopefully for Cody. I guess we will see how it goes...

Two Months

It has been two months today since we lost our sweet baby

I feel like a part of me has died

Today especially

I never knew that one person could hurt this much

I can't seem to breathe

Our baby is dead and I don't know how to go on living 

This has been the longest yet fastest two months of my life

In some ways I feel like I was pregnant yesterday 

Yet these past two months have flown by in a blur

It is a very odd experience 

I barely remember the last two months

But I remember the day he was born like it was ten minutes ago 

I saw him on the ultrasound an hour before he was born

He was alive and moving...then he was gone

This fact KILLS me 

Was he scared? Did he suffer? 

Nobody really knows if he did or not and I want to die when I think about it

I just can't wait for this day to be over

Only 6 more hours til I can be home with Cody

I can make it...

The Secret

I read a book called "The Secret" a couple of years ago and it suddenly popped into my head today. While I do not agree with all aspects of the book, I think that many of the ideas are very interesting. The basic concept is that you get what you are giving out. If you are giving out negative thoughts, the universe give you negative things because that is what you are emitting to the universe and vice versa. The book says multiple times that "like attracts like"

The reason I am writing about this is because I have noticed that the past couple weeks have been especially hard and it is mostly because I am dwelling on EVERYTHING! I know that it is completely normal to be upset, sad, and angry. However, I do not want my entire life to be this way. So I am going to try and use "The Secret" to help. If I think positively then postive things will find me and my life will then be positive. I am tired of my life being a giant pity party. I can't run into the bathroom multiple times each day to cry at work. I can't not go to family gatherings or hang out with friends because it gives me anxiety.

I cried three times by noon today. It has been horrible. While crying for the third time in the bathroom I had a little pep talk with myself. "Just a couple hours and you can go home, he is safe, he is fine, he knows you love him, you will be fine" This little pep talk helped. I believe that our minds are capable of amazing things!

I genuinely believe that with positive thinking you can live a positive life and if you are constantly negative, negative things will happen. I am really not doing this book justice, I really reccommend that everyone read it. Even if some of it is a little extreme, the concept can be life changing.

Anger and Anxiety

These emotions are frequent companions of mine.

While walking into the mall on Friday I saw someone pushing the exact same stroller I had picked out for Maddox. I litterally stopped in my tracks,collapsed on the bench, and cried. How unfair everything seemed in that moment! I am never going to push my baby in the stroller I had picked out for him. Things like this are sometimes the most difficult to swallow. I feel robbed. Why did my baby have to die? I know I know it does me no good to ask questions like this, but it is impossible not to. I can't help but picture what he would have been like. How is voice would have sounded? What his cry would have been like? These questions haunt me because I will never know. That damn stroller really screwed up my weekend.

Last night was especially difficult. Cody and I had date night and it was wonderful. We went to dinner, then he went and saw Pitch Perfect with me. We had a good time. But like always, the good times end too soon. When I got home I was feeling productive and thought maybe I would start another project I have been planning. While looking for my scrapbook paper I found a book of paper that was owl themed. Again it felt as if someone kicked me in the stomach. I should be using this owl paper to decorate his nursery like I planned. Instead I get to use it to make something in his memory. I feel robbed again.  

I cried and cried while Cody held me. This is one thing I am so thankful for. Cody. He is the best part of my day. Well of my life. He is so patient with me and no matter how many times a day I cry, he is always there. He holds me and tells me exactly what I need to hear in that moment.

When you are pregnant you have so many dreams, so many plans right away. I feel as if all my dreams and all my plans have been crushed. They were ripped away from me. Honestly it all just really pisses me off. I love that baby so much and I would do anything to get him back. Anything to hold him one more time. Anything to have had more time with him.

These are just a few of the many things that have happend to cause me anger and anxiety over the past few days. I feel like my chest is going to rip open at times from the pain. I literally hurt. I feel raw. The smallest things can send me to tears. Ridiculous things also make me so angry. I know it all a part of healing though. I have to work through all these emotions and the hope is one day I can think about all this and not feel as if a part of me died.

 This is the owl that my mother in law had bought for Maddox. I have slept with him ever since we lost Maddox. It now seems impossible to sleep without it.

“Usually when people are sad, they don’t do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change.” – James Russell Lowell

I intend to make a change. I intend to be better, to do more for others, and to make a difference in my life and others. I also hope to inspire others to do the same. If we all just try a little bit harder to be better, we could make so much difference!