Just hold my hand and let me cry

 

Tonight Cody and I went to a counselor, originally our appointment was not until the 21st but I decided I could not wait. It was a good meeting and I am really glad we went. Honestly it is not like it was a life changing moment, in general it just reassured me that the feelings I am having and everything I am thinking, is normal. She assured me that where I am at in my grief is exactly where I should be.

Something I have been worried about is how much I avoid painful things. I avoid pregnant women, babies, and any talk that has to do with pregnancy or babies. I needed to know that this is still an okay thing to be doing. I know that eventually I will need to face all of it but for now avoiding is the only way I know how to make it through the day.  

Another thing I realized during our session is I need to be better about telling people when they say or do things that have upset me. I know that people are just trying to be helpful and raise my spirits, but sometimes some things that people say don't actually help. I do not need incredible words of wisdom, I simply need to know that people are there to listen and will let me cry. 

I also want to express to those close to me that you should not be afraid to bring Maddox up. He is always on my mind, you can't bring him up and it upset me because I was already thinking of him. I love hearing people say his name, I love knowing that he is thought of and that he is loved. Even though it is difficult at times, I want to talk about him and the things we went through. I do not want people to feel uncomfortable talking about him because it certainly does not make me feel uncomfortable, it makes me happier than I can even express through words. I know that everyone worries about me and they don't want me to be sad, but I am sad. Let me be sad.

Below is a poem that the counselor gave me and I was glad to read it and know that others that have experienced loss, feel the same way.  

Don't tell me that you understand. 

Don't tell me that you know. 

Don't tell me that I will survive

How I will surely grow. 

Don't tell me this is just a test, 

That I am truly blessed, 

That I am chosen for this task, 

Apart from all the rest. 

Don't come at me with answers, 

That can only come from me. 

Don't tell me how to suffer, 

And don't tell me how to cry. 

My life is filled with selfishness, 

My pain is all I see. 

But I need you; I need your love, 

Unconditionally. 

Accept me in my ups and downs

I need someone to share. 

Just hold my hand and let me cry, 

And say "my friend I care."

-Joanetta Hendel