Anger and Anxiety

These emotions are frequent companions of mine.

While walking into the mall on Friday I saw someone pushing the exact same stroller I had picked out for Maddox. I litterally stopped in my tracks,collapsed on the bench, and cried. How unfair everything seemed in that moment! I am never going to push my baby in the stroller I had picked out for him. Things like this are sometimes the most difficult to swallow. I feel robbed. Why did my baby have to die? I know I know it does me no good to ask questions like this, but it is impossible not to. I can't help but picture what he would have been like. How is voice would have sounded? What his cry would have been like? These questions haunt me because I will never know. That damn stroller really screwed up my weekend.

Last night was especially difficult. Cody and I had date night and it was wonderful. We went to dinner, then he went and saw Pitch Perfect with me. We had a good time. But like always, the good times end too soon. When I got home I was feeling productive and thought maybe I would start another project I have been planning. While looking for my scrapbook paper I found a book of paper that was owl themed. Again it felt as if someone kicked me in the stomach. I should be using this owl paper to decorate his nursery like I planned. Instead I get to use it to make something in his memory. I feel robbed again.  

I cried and cried while Cody held me. This is one thing I am so thankful for. Cody. He is the best part of my day. Well of my life. He is so patient with me and no matter how many times a day I cry, he is always there. He holds me and tells me exactly what I need to hear in that moment.

When you are pregnant you have so many dreams, so many plans right away. I feel as if all my dreams and all my plans have been crushed. They were ripped away from me. Honestly it all just really pisses me off. I love that baby so much and I would do anything to get him back. Anything to hold him one more time. Anything to have had more time with him.

These are just a few of the many things that have happend to cause me anger and anxiety over the past few days. I feel like my chest is going to rip open at times from the pain. I literally hurt. I feel raw. The smallest things can send me to tears. Ridiculous things also make me so angry. I know it all a part of healing though. I have to work through all these emotions and the hope is one day I can think about all this and not feel as if a part of me died.

 This is the owl that my mother in law had bought for Maddox. I have slept with him ever since we lost Maddox. It now seems impossible to sleep without it.

“Usually when people are sad, they don’t do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change.” – James Russell Lowell

I intend to make a change. I intend to be better, to do more for others, and to make a difference in my life and others. I also hope to inspire others to do the same. If we all just try a little bit harder to be better, we could make so much difference!