Oh Christmas Tree

Christmas time is my absolute favorite! However, the past couple of years have been more difficult. Last year I couldn't even pretend to be interested in the holidays when we had just lost Maddox a few months before. This year has been a little different but as it draws closer I realize I am still really struggling. Had he been born when he was supposed to in March, this would be his first Christmas. He would be about 7 months old and we would be preparing for all the celebrations that come with a childs first Christmas. Instead, we are trying to find ways to keep his memory alive through Christmas. We are decorating a Christmas tree just for him and picking out the perfect stocking. While all of this is important and special, I cant help but feel bitter about it. This is not how it is supposed to be. I miss him so much and it seems like I am missing him more during the holiday season. Looking at his little tree though brings me comfort. I love it because it is a way to remember him and it is something special just for him.

Fear and Hope

I can't even count how many times I have opened Blogger, started typing, and then closed it.

I feel like my whole life is absorbed with the baby girl we are expecting and as excited as I am, I am equally scared. A part of me feels like if I type my fears it will bring them to life. So I will not put them into words. However, I will say how happy and thankful we are for this little girl. I am 31 weeks pregnant today and honestly I never thought I would get to this point.

This is another reason why I have had a hard time writing, I feel like this blog is my place for Maddox and it is still hard to talk and think about how excited and happy we are for this new baby, when my heart is still broken for the son I will never get to raise. I think of him and his siblings daily. I look at his tiny hand and footprints each morning before I leave for work and it melts my heart each time. 

I am so afraid that something is going to go wrong with this pregnancy. I don't know if I would survive another loss. For now we are focusing on being positive, enjoying her movements, and looking forward to the future. Within 62 days I will get to meet my daughter and I really cannot wait, but of course I will. She needs to cook a little longer!