Kindness Matters

I had something pretty amazing happen to me yesterday and this person probably doesn't even know that they did anything. 

I was leaving work holding a left over Easter balloon from an activity we had done that day. As I was walking out I saw my friend and co-worker who is probably around 8 months pregnant. She asked me what I was doing with the balloon and I kinda panicked for a moment.  Do I tell her that I plan to take it to the cemetery for Maddox, or make up a lie to avoid an awkward exchange? I chose to see how it went. I say "I am going to take it the cemetery" Her response "Oh how nice, where is he buried?" I can't even explain the relief I felt. She could have shut down, acted awkward, or changed the subject. Instead she was kind and compassionate. We talked a little more and it was the best moment of my day. While I was driving home I couldn't help but cry with happiness.

I sometimes feel like I can't speak of Maddox. When I do I get many reactions that are just too hard to deal with. I can't hear anymore "He is in a better place" or "Everything happens for a reason". What reason is there? There is no "bigger plan" out there. I cannot bring myself to believe that God had some reason for my baby dying. The placenta detached and our son died. That is the end of it. Her talking to me, asking questions about where we buried him was all I needed. I know that people mean well but please just ask me how I am. Talk to me about him. Tell me how you feel. Yes I may cry, but I cry anyway. At  least if I cry with you, I won't be alone. Don't try to take my pain away by not speaking of him, it only hurts worse. 

I am not looking forward to Easter. It should have been the first holiday we celebrated with our son. Instead we are celebrating without him. I don't know if I really can celebrate anymore. I will need strength to get through tomorrow. Luckily I have the perfect family to give me that strength.