Sweet Maddox

My dear sweet Maddox,

The past couple days have been difficult and I feel as if this day is going to be worse. I miss you so much it hurts. I am exhausted because I can't sleep. I lay in bed and think of you. I want you hear with me, I want to hold you, and I want to raise you. I have accepted that you are never coming back, but that doesn't mean my heart doesn't hurt everytime I think about you. When I walk in the room that was supposed to be yours, it takes my breath away. I had it all pictured in my head. I knew where your crib would go, I knew where I would put the rocker that I would sit with you in. So to walk in there and it be the same junk room that it has always been, breaks my heart a little more each time. We still have items around the house that were meant for you, now they are painful reminders that you will never get to use them. I can't bring myself to get rid of the two bottles in the cupboard. Yesterday I finally took the two bouncers that your Grandma bought for you and the other baby and donated them. I could not look at them anymore. Each time I looked at the bouncer, I couldn't help but picture you in it. Donating it for a good cause seemed like the right thing to do.

Last night I had my first meltdown in a while. I think that I am supressing my feelings a bit. I will go days and days without crying but when I finally let my guard down, it all comes rushing back. The days I went feeling okay, make the days I am not okay, that much worse. I am just so lucky to have your daddy. He is so strong for me. Last night he told me of how excited he was for you, and how sad he is that you are gone. Seeing that pain in his eyes makes my stomach turn everytime. At the same time, it also makes me happy that you have a daddy that loves you so much. I wish I had  picture of him holding you in the hospital. It was the most precious moment of my life.

I think of you morning, day, and night. You are the last thing on my mind before I go to sleep, and the first thing on my mind when I wake up. There are no words to express how much I love you and how much I miss you.

Love you always,

Mommy