Guilt

I experienced yet another trigger last week

Something little happens and it feels as if my feet are knocked out from under me 

All the questions, the guilt, and the pain hits me like a ton of bricks

Again and again

None of it ever really went away

I just became numb

Another family had quadruplets, they chose to take the risk
The risk of carrying four babies
We chose the alternate route
I still wonder if we did the right thing, or the easy thing

Grief can be an ugly thing that makes you question everything
I realize that I am still not a peace with the decision we made
I am unsure if I will ever be able to be okay about it
The "what if's" haunt me every day
The anxiety eats away at me

I will never know what would have happend if we had kept all four babies
Who knows, we could have lost them all at 19 weeks
That would have been just as awful
I do know that if I had it all to do over again, I would not have done the reduction
It may have been the right thing then, but now I wish we had let nature take its course

I understand that there is no point dwelling on the past
It is easy to say that when you are not the one who has to live with the grief
The one who has to live with the choice to end your children's lives
It is a decision that nobody should ever have to make