Sunday

Since the funeral we have made a routine of visiting Maddox on Sunday, it is the best and worst part of my week. There is something peaceful about going to the cemetery. Knowing that I am close to him brings me a sense of peace. However, there are also feelings of frustration and sadness. I am thankful to have somewhere that I can visit him but I also feel that I should not have to visit my baby at a cemetery. It is just not right. I sit there with Cody each Sunday, looking at the fresh flowers we brought him, and feel more emotions than I even thought possible.

At the funeral my wonderful cousin Nancy read a poem and the gist of it was that the wind we feel are angel kisses. During one weak moment of mine at the cemetery, Cody pointed out that the wind is always blowing softly when we are there to visit Maddox. I instantly felt better. That moment gave me so much peace. It feels good to think that maybe the light breeze was nothing more than our perfect angel's kisses. There I was standing in the cemetery, over my babies grave, crying while hugging my husband, and I felt okay. That moment reminded me that I need to look at the positive side of things or the grief and sadness is going to swallow me whole. I need to appreciate the good in our lives rather than focus on all the negative. I am still so early in my grieving process and I know that I am a long way from being alright but at least I know I am headed in the right direction. That is enough for now.

We will continue to visit Maddox each Sunday. Maybe in the future I will not feel the need to go each week but for now it feels necessary. I don't get to be a mom to him in a traditional way so I am going to do everything for him that I can. Even if all I can do is  take a pumpkin to his grave or take flowers each week.I feel better knowing that I am doing all that I can.