Over the past few weeks I have written and deleted so many posts. I feel like I have little to say. This actually makes me a little sad. It has been almost nine months since we lost Maddox and I can tell that I am doing better. I can think of him and the other babies, with thoughts of joy rather than pure sadness. I can remember feeling him flutter inside me and be thankful for the experience, rather than bitter for the loss. I can look at his beautiful hand prints and remember how perfect they were without completely losing it. I feel like I am beginning a new chapter of my life. Life after loss is a strange world. Nothing is the same and little has changed yet EVERYTHING has changed.
Cody and I have been talking a little about what we want to do to celebrate his one year birthday. It is still his birthday, even if he isn't here to celebrate with us. If you notice I say celebrate. I want October 5th to be a day of celebration to his life. No matter how short his life was, I want to remember him and not wallow in my own sorrow.
I would love to hear other people's ideas or what they did on their baby's birthday/angel day to celebrate them.
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You are certainly correct in that life after loss is a strange world. We see things differently, we feel things differently, while we learn to laugh again, what we laugh at changes.
ReplyDeleteWe, too, wanted Oscar's and Bella's birthday to be a celebration, so we had a birthday party. We only invited friends from our Bereaved Parent Support Group (we wanted to guarantee that we would be 100% supported at the party). We ordered a very large cake from a bakery, we had a nice lunch (twin-themed) and we even got goofy plates/cups/napkins. We figured we would have thrown them a party if they were here; just because Oscar and Bella weren't physically here with us, their lives were still something to have a party for, so we did.
We are not there yet, but will do something small, just our family, as we've done for the 1st birthdays of our older children. I'll bake him a cake, the same design as his big brothers'.
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