Baby Moore 02/12/14

Getting that faint pink postivie line was not really expected. Not so soon anyway. We decided to try on our own for a few months since I was having somewhat regular cycles. We expected a few months to pass by with no results and us to have to go back to clomid. But here we are, 13 weeks pregnant with a single baby concieved all on our own.

I took the pregnanct test expecting it to be negative, I was having no symptoms but thought I should check just in case. Then the most faint of lines appeared. I literally ran to the bed and jumped on Cody. He of course wanted to not get our hopes up until we were absolutely sure. So a few days later, I took another test....and another and they all kept coming back brighter and brighter. We were shocked beyond belief!

Then reality started to sink in. What if something went wrong with this baby? Could we live through losing another child. Miscarriages are really common this early on..what if that happened to us? Even now at 13 weeks my fears have not eased. I look at this ultrasound and I try to feel nothing but joy, but how can I when I know all of the many things that can go wrong with such a young and tiny baby.

Also, something I did not expect was how difficult it would be emotionally to be pregnant again. I feel like I cry more over Maddox now then I did in the few previous months. I miss him so much and my heart aches to have my baby boy back.

I know that we are ready for this new baby, we are already parents and it is time to put those instincts in to play. I am so excited to be having such an easy pregnancy and now I am just hopeful that I can continue down this path and give birth to a healthy baby who we will get to raise. I am due February 12, 2014, only two weeks different than my due date with Maddox.

For now we will enjoy the little things and hope for the best. All the while still missing our other Angels. <3

Random Acts of Kindness

When I originally thought of planning Maddox's first birthday, never did I think I would be planning ways to remember him. But here we are.

His birthday is a little over 2 months away and I have pondered over many ideas. One idea though kept coming back to me over and over again. I saw this idea on another blog and I feel that it is the best way to honor our little boy.

Random Acts of Kindness.

I am going to ask all of our family and friends, including the wonderful people I have met through this blog, to participate in this. This is the reason I am announcing it kind of early. I would like to give everyone plenty of time.

At some point between now and Maddox's birthday on October 5th, please take a little time and do something kind for a stranger in Maddox's name.

I would love to hear what everyone does so if possible, email me, call me, or message me what your random act of kindness was.

A mother shouldn't have to plan her dead child's first birthday celebration, but I am trying to make the best of it. I know that we are all extremely busy, but keep in mind how big of a differenc one small act of kindness can make in someone's life. Plus, it is an amazing way to remember a very special little boy.

Thanks again everyone for your continuous love and support. <3

Below I have listed a few ideas to get you started.

• Collect items for a charity (food, clothes, etc.)
• Volunteer (school, nursing home, hotpital, etc.)
• When buying your coffee, purchase the person's behind you
• Bring co-workers a special treat
• Slip paper hearts that say “It’s Random Acts of Kindness Week! Have a great day!” under the windshield wipers of parked cars
• Take baked goods to your neighbors
• Give blood
• Put change in a vending machine for the next person
• Take flowers to a hospital
• Donate clothes and other supplies to a homeless shelter

These are of course just a few ideas, get creative and do something kind! Opening the door for someone or telling a stranger to have a good day can make a huge impact! Oh and remember that Google is your friend, there are a ton of great ideas on the internet.

Today..

Some days the loss of our son doesn't feel real.

Even after 9 months, I still can't believe this really happened to us.

There are days when my grief feels really far away.

Then days like today it feels extremely close.

My heart feels as if it is breaking all over again.

Last night Cody and I laid in bed together and wondered about our children.

What they are like now.

Do they understand the terrible choice we had to make.

Do they miss us as much as I miss them.

Today my grief is ugly.

Today the loss of our children weighs heavily on my heart.

Today I miss them. I worry about them. I love them.

Everything Has Changed

Over the past few weeks I have written and deleted so many posts. I feel like I have little to say. This actually makes me a little sad. It has been almost nine months since we lost Maddox and I can tell that I am doing better. I can think of him and the other babies, with thoughts of joy rather than pure sadness. I can remember feeling him flutter inside me and be thankful for the experience, rather than bitter for the loss. I can look at his beautiful hand prints and remember how perfect they were without completely losing it. I feel like I am beginning a new chapter of my life. Life after loss is a strange world. Nothing is the same and little has changed yet EVERYTHING has changed.

Cody and I have been talking a little about what we want to do to celebrate his one year birthday. It is still his birthday, even if he isn't here to celebrate with us. If you notice I say celebrate. I want October 5th to be a day of celebration to his life. No matter how short his life was, I want to remember him and not wallow in my own sorrow.

I would love to hear other people's ideas or what they did on their baby's birthday/angel day to celebrate them.

His Name

To all the mother's that wrote Maddox's name, thank you from the bottom of my heart. The fact that so many people took the time to write our sons name is very touching. Here are all of the beautiful pictures we received. <3

 

 

 

  

 

  

Hope is the thing with feathers..

There is little worse than leaving the hospital without your baby.

It is gut wrenching when someone doesn't realize you lost the baby. 

To have to explain over and over that your baby died is heart breaking.

There is something awful about having to put away their unworn clothes.

Putting up "In Memory" photo's instead of newborn photo's seems like cruel punishment.

To watch all of your friends and family give birth to healthy babies is so hard.

Thinking about having another baby is terrifying.

Wondering where your babies are and if they are okay, can drive you crazy.

Second guessing every choice you made is a part of your daily life.

Trying to understand how people can be so inconsiderate is impossible.

Knowing that you gave birth to someone so perfect and pure is comforting.

Holding your child is something beyond incredible.  

Watching your husband hold your son is perfection.

To see your family and friends have healthy babies is a blessing.

Doing projects to help yourself and other's is healing.

Thinking of having another baby is exciting.

Moving forward with your life is the only way to survive such loss.

Mothers Day Name Event

This year for Mothers Day a group of bereaved mother's including myself participated in a name event hosted by Catherine at Twinkle of Light.  

I was honored to write 10 babies names and in return I am getting photos of Maddox's name written by 10 other mother's. Below are the names we wrote and photographed.