The Life We Lost

 

 

Lately I have been thinking of what I am grieving for the most and while I am grieving for many things, the most difficult thing is the life that we lost. 

From the moment we found out I was pregnant, we began picturing what our lives were going to be like, and also what he was going to be like. 

It never occurred to me that not only would we never know him, we were never going to get the life that we had envisioned with him. 

I grieve for the moments we will never get to experience. We will never get a birthday or a Christmas with him. We don't get to watch him grow and learn. All those precious moments were taken away from us. 

I can't even explain the emptiness I sometimes feel in our home. I feel as if our lives are somehow incomplete. There is something missing. He is missing. 

I grieve for the life we should have had. His life. Our life together.

Now is the part where we find our new lives. The lives that are still filled with love and happiness, but also filled with grief and sorrow. 

A different life than I imagined, but still a beautiful and blessed life. 

 

Sunset Name in the Sand

I finally got my sunset picture for Maddox and it was well worth the wait! For those of you who do not know, a wonderful woman in Australia does this for families who have lost children. She will open up the request every once in a while and then she goes to the beach and writes your child's name in the sand. It is a special thing to know that someone took the time to write my son's name on this beautiful beach in Australia. I am going to blow this picture up and hang it in our home. It is a beautiful thing to memorialize our sweet baby.

If you are interested I have attached the link of the website for the women who does these pictures. The first one is her blog and the second is the sunset beach site.

http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/

Think before you Facebook

Sometimes I wonder what in the hell is going through people's minds when they do and say certain things. I just woke up from a nap and had a post from someone on Facebook that sent me in to tears immediately, and then pure anger. Please, think before you just blindly post on Facebook. Think of others before you put of some political bullshit that you don't understand!

Now we all know there is a huge debate on abortion and we also know that I am not one to start a debate or push my opinions, but I am about to find my voice. Because of my history, my views on abortion have become confused and have grown. I believe in choice. A year ago I would have told you that I would NEVER get an abortion. Well fate has a funny way of testing you. I was faced with the hardest decision of my life, try to carry quadruplets or reduce to twins. Essentially, to have an abortion. I chose the route that gave my other two children the best chance of survival. I hate the decision I had to make, but I know in my heart and soul that I made the right choice.

It is easy to blindly post pictures of a 12 week old, deceased, photo shopped baby and say "This is what we all looked like at 12 weeks. Abortion is legal in all 50 states. Anyone think this is not a person? Please pass along, it might save a life." First of all, to who posted this picture, do you not realize how traumatic it is to see a photo like this for someone who lost 3 babies at 12 weeks, and the final baby at 19 weeks? Second, babies do NOT look like that when they are that early. They photo shopped their skin among other things to make them look healthy and perfect. Third, do not post things that you do not understand. Do not judge when you have no clue what it is like for someone to have to make that kind of decision. It is unfair and selfish of you.

I never in a million years would have thought that I would be arguing for pro abortion. No, I still do not completely agree that someone should get pregnant and then have an abortion because they just do not want a baby, however I do think that everyone should have their choice. It is not anyone's place to judge or try to take away someone's choice.

I really hope I do not offend anyone by this post, I realize that we all have our own beliefs and I respect everyone's opinion. This is just mine. I wanted to share to shed some light on the other side of abortions. It is an awful thing to go through, and most people who have one, will live with the guilt and other emotions for the rest of their lives. Do not judge from the outside. Be a bigger person and try to understand before you make snap judgement's and post hurtful and narrow minded things on Facebook.

Oh Cody

He falls asleep while telling a story

He washes the dishes because he knows it makes me sick

He sews my pants when I rip them

He tells me stories in his sleep

He holds my hand the entire time were in the car

He meets me at the door when I get home from work

He thinks its hilarious that I can't whistle

He has loved me since we were 13

He holds me while I cry for the loss of our son

He gives me words of encouragement when I am feeling down

He kisses me goodbye in the morning, even though I am asleep and have morning breath

He comes to my counseling appointment and holds my hand the whole time

He smiles at me in a way that tells me he adores me

He reminds me that I do not have to be strong all the time

He is strong for me

He is the only reason I survived the last few months

He is my best friend

He is the love of my life

Dear Maddox,

Today marks four months since you were born and changed our lives forever. I really can't believe it has already been four months. Four months is a long time for a mommy to be without her baby. I miss you more than words can even describe and my heart aches to have you here with us again. I worry so much about you. As your mom I am supposed to protect you, and being unable to do that has been such a struggle. I wanted so badly to get to be a mom to you, in the traditional way. I am still so honored to call you my son and I am at least grateful that I get to be your mom at all, even if it is now how I envisioned it originally. I love you more than I ever even thought possible. You have changed my life, well you actually changed my soul in a beautiful and sad way. I now have an appreciate for life that is brand new for me.  I know how wonderful a gift life is and I will never again take it for granted again, because I know how quickly it can be taken away.

Today has been a difficult day to me, I never knew I could miss anyone this much. As time goes on I feel further away from you and I am terrified. I feel like all of this is nothing but a bad dream. The little time I got to spend with you is so foggy and that makes it all seem distant and unreal. I would give anything to go back in time and see your beautiful face again, to touch your beautiful fingers, and feel you close to me.

I miss you sweet baby and I love you an incredible amount.

Love always,

Mommy

Stories

I forgot how much work a puppy was! Plus I did not anticipate how much getting a second dog would change they dynamic of our household. Our five year old dog Rocky is not too happy with our new puppy Zoey. I understand that he has to set the boundaries for her but it has been one frustrating experience after another. Zoey wants to play with him so bad but he just runs away or snaps at her everytime she tries. Then last night she was trying to play and he was snapping at her over and over. We were not interfering because they need to figure out how to get along with each other. Then Rocky bit her and actually hurt her. She cried and I could tell she was really scared so then I felt like a complete jerk for letting it happen. I am at a loss of what to do now. I do not want Rocky to be miserable but I certainly do not want to have to give Zoey up. I am already so attached to her. I am still doing research but most people say that they will adjust after a couple weeks, it has been three weeks and we have made little to no progress. I guess we will just keep pushing forward and see how things go.

Another random story...Cody and I decided to do a lantern release for Maddox on what was supposed to be our due date, March 1st. I ordered the big paper lanters that you light with fire and release in to the air. The lanterns hold many different meanings in different cultures, to me they will represent us releasing our pain and making a wish for the future. We invited our close family to the cemetary to share in this experience with us. I am hopeful that this will be a healing experience for all of us. Of course though nothing is easy in this new life of mine. Shortly after ordering the lanterns and inviting everyone, we found out that Utah is planning to outlaw the lanterns. I am just hoping that this will not take place before we are able to do our release for Maddox.