Dear Maddox,

Today marks four months since you were born and changed our lives forever. I really can't believe it has already been four months. Four months is a long time for a mommy to be without her baby. I miss you more than words can even describe and my heart aches to have you here with us again. I worry so much about you. As your mom I am supposed to protect you, and being unable to do that has been such a struggle. I wanted so badly to get to be a mom to you, in the traditional way. I am still so honored to call you my son and I am at least grateful that I get to be your mom at all, even if it is now how I envisioned it originally. I love you more than I ever even thought possible. You have changed my life, well you actually changed my soul in a beautiful and sad way. I now have an appreciate for life that is brand new for me.  I know how wonderful a gift life is and I will never again take it for granted again, because I know how quickly it can be taken away.

Today has been a difficult day to me, I never knew I could miss anyone this much. As time goes on I feel further away from you and I am terrified. I feel like all of this is nothing but a bad dream. The little time I got to spend with you is so foggy and that makes it all seem distant and unreal. I would give anything to go back in time and see your beautiful face again, to touch your beautiful fingers, and feel you close to me.

I miss you sweet baby and I love you an incredible amount.

Love always,

Mommy