Heaven

It is only 9 in the morning and already has been a horrid day

There is a terrible thought, well thoughts that I just can't seem to get out of my head

...Where are my babies?

When you don't know your beliefs on Heaven or religion in general

 Death is even more difficult to deal with

While holding Maddox for the last time I said to Cody

"How can there not be more for this beautiful little baby?"

I honestly believe that there has to be more

He was so perfect, so pure

An angel

He belongs in Heaven

There must be a Heaven...Right?

But I still can't wrap my head around it

I did not grow up in a religious home

Kinda weird seeing how I grew up in Utah

I am a very blunt and real person

I believe in what I can see

This is why faith has always been so hard for me

It is an on going struggle and it will probably be something I struggle with for a long time

Maybe even the rest of my life

There is just no way my babies lives ended

They can't have just disapeared

Now I just have to make peace with it all

"I thought of you today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday and days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories and a picture in frame. Your memory is a keepsake, from which I will never part. God has you in his arms. I have you in my heart…"

Craftiness

I finally finished my first Maddox project

It only took three trips to the store, 

one complete failure,

and over an hour trying to line up all the letters!

I got my inspiration from multiple different places

No way could I have come up with this on my own 

Cody helped me a lot

 His need for perfection really helped me on this

He spent an hour drawing lines on the canvas so I could get the letters straight

I don't know about you but I think he is a pretty awesome husband!! 

The canvas was simple...

We chose a quote

Bought foam stickers

Arranged the letters 

Spray pained over the whole thing 

Then poof! We were done 

 

The Holidays

Thanksgiving was difficult and I imagine it will be difficult through the rest of the holidays
I enjoyed spending time with my family and friends
Countless times I thought "I wish Maddox was here"
It hurts my heart to know I will never share the holdiays with our son
Christmas time is my absolute favorite but this year it has a bitter edge to it
I dont know how to be happy and thankful when I feel so sad and lost, I'm trying though
My wonderful sister in law made this for us with Maddox's name on it
I put it with our Christmas decorations and love that it is the first thing I see when I walk in the door
Things like this make my heart happy, love you Jamie Moore!

Cody and I were at the store the other day and I wanted to find something to take to Maddox

While looking we found a wonderfully precious baby Christmas tree

Instantly I knew it was perfect

We went the day after Thanksgiving and took him his first Christmas tree

I wish I could do more

I wish that I was not taking my son's tree to the cemetary

But I am thankful I can do this at least

It is just so difficult because it's not what I had envisioned for our life, or his

I went black friday shopping and got a ton of great stuff

Including a lot of stuff I needed for some of my "Maddox projects"

I have read many blogs that have wonderful ideas on remembering your child

The posts have inspired me to do many things

The difficulty is I sometimes have a hard time executing the projects

I tried for a very long time to make an ornament for Maddox

I ended up crying my eyes out because I just could not do it

Luckily I have an amazing husband who is helping me

I will post pictures soon!

Today's thoughts

I feel as if my chest is going to rip open at any moment

Each time I have a good day, I am punished with a horrible day

This morning started out fine, I felt alright

This afternoon all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry

I barely made it to my car on my lunch before I had a complete breakdown

When people complain about petty things I feel angry

I need to remind myself that their lives haven't been turned upside down

People should be more grateful for the things they have, myself included

Sometimes I feel weird doing normal things

How is it that I am eating ice cream when my babies are dead

Why are people laughing when there are dead babies

I don't know how to go back to "normal"

I do not know what normal is anymore

Now we are adjusting to a new normal and it is too damn hard

Inspiration

I woke up this morning with a heavy heart

The weather outside must be bringing me down

I cry when I think of him cold in the ground

He shouldn't be cold, buried in the ground, he should be safe and warm in my tummy

The bright and pretty flowers we placed last Sunday for Maddox

I needed a dose of inspiration this morning

I used trusty Google and found some quotes to try and lift my spirits

A few quotes made me cry, a few made me smile, and a few made my heart happy 

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle, I just wish He did not trust me so much."- Mother Teresa

This is so beautiful to me

So many people have told me that I am only given things I can handle, but I wish I couldn't handle it

Most days I feel like I can't

Another quote that I enjoyed was "The difficulties in life are meant to make us better, not bitter" - unknown

These words ring so true in my heart

I choose to be a better person because of the loss of my son. I choose to not be bitter. 

I am not bitter because I gave birth to an angel. A perfect  little angel.

Feelings

I feel sad. All the time. Even when I seem happy. I am sad.

I feel so angry! Why did our babies have to die? Why did I go through the terrible experince of the reduction, to wind up with nothing?

I feel guilty. It is just now starting to hit me. I know that doing the reduction was the right thing to do, but it was a horrible horrible thing to do. I feel as if I killed my babies. I laid their while a doctor injected their hearts with the substance that would cause them to stop beating. I feel like a bad person. I will regret this for the rest of my life. Even if I did it for all the right reasons, it doesn't make it right.

I feel sadness for the people that have to also go through this experience. Babies shouldn't die, and parents should not have to bury a child.

I feel angry at the people who get the blessing of a child, and do not appreciate them or take care of them.

I feel guilty for feeling jealous when I see a pregnant woman.

I feel sad when I remember that I will never get to raise Maddox.

I feel hopeful that one day Cody and I will have another child and get to raise them.

I feel so loved from my family and friends. I know at times I push people away, but it makes me feel better knowing people are there for us.

I feel real moments of happiness at times.

I feel the best when I am with Cody. He is my rock, he is my joy.

I feel that one day I will not feel so sad.

I feel myself becoming a better person. Going through this experince has taught me so much. I want to be better. I will be better.

I feel gratitude for giving birth to such a perfect person. He is pure. He is an angel.

I feel like I am better for knowing him.



The Dreaded Question

Ever since we lost Maddox I have been dreading a few things that were likely to happen. Of course one of them happened while we were on our first date night in a long time. Our server was very outgoing and a super nice guy, and after bringing us our drinks he says to us "so do you guys have any kids?" I froze...I didn't know how to answer. I didn't want to make him feel horribly uncomfortable by saying "yes we do and he died four weeks ago" but I also felt so wrong with my actual response of "nope, not yet." I felt so guilty and so sad by the response. I also felt like I was a big liar. I know that I did the right thing  by saying no but I just hate so much that my answer is no. Then to make things even better he went off on a rant about how great it was that we were waiting and "once you have kids, you never don't have kids again" Again I had to remind myself that he has no idea what just happened to us, but the first response that came to my mind was "actually we have a child, but we don't have him." 

Later I began to think how odd it was that not once in our relationship has a random stranger asked us if we have any children, yet right after we lose our son we get asked that question. A friend said something to me today that I think might actually be true. The universe or God (whatever you believe) has a funny way of giving us "tests". This test for me was very difficult, but I passed. I didn't break down crying in the restaurant, I didn't say something awkward, and I didn't let it ruin the night. Now the next time I am asked this question, I will be better prepared and I will hopefully handle it even better. I also hope that in the future I can give that response without feeling so guilty and like I am lying. Because I know even if it is a lie, it is the right thing to say in these situations.

Gratitude

I found it fitting since today it is November 1st to share what I am thankful for. When you are grieving one of the hardest things is to be positive and to be thankful, but I also think it's one of the best things you can do while grieving. 

I have been over whelmed by the amount of love and support Cody, Maddox and I have gotten over the past few weeks. It would take me days to list all the many things that people have done and said to help us through this difficult time in our lives. 

Some of the best things people have done have also been some of the smallest things. Sometimes all you need is  hug and an "I'm sorry." It means so much when people go out of their way to express that they care. It is sometimes hard for me to express how thankful I am..but the compassion we have gotten has been one of the good things that have come from this whole mess. 

The best part of my day today was seeing my friend Dani whom I hadn't seen in a while. Then later in the day she had balloons and a sweet card delivered to me at work. These types of things are so special to me. It took so much thoughtfulness from her to do that for me and it meant so much. It completely made my day.

I will cherish all the many wonderful things that people have said, sent, and done for us for the rest of my life. I feel so blessed to have such amazing people in my life. Even the support from strangers has been incredible. I will never be able to fully express how much each person means to me, and how grateful I am. Love is a powerful thing and love is all I have felt from my friends and family over the past few weeks and I really hope it continues.

 These lovely flowers that I received from my work family are just one among the many we received

The balloons from Dani that made my day a little bit brighter :)