Our story of love, loss, and change.





Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Feelings


I feel sad. All the time. Even when I seem happy. I am sad.

I feel so angry! Why did our babies have to die? Why did I go through the terrible experince of the reduction, to wind up with nothing?

I feel guilty. It is just now starting to hit me. I know that doing the reduction was the right thing to do, but it was a horrible horrible thing to do. I feel as if I killed my babies. I laid their while a doctor injected their hearts with the substance that would cause them to stop beating. I feel like a bad person. I will regret this for the rest of my life. Even if I did it for all the right reasons, it doesn't make it right.

I feel sadness for the people that have to also go through this experience. Babies shouldn't die, and parents should not have to bury a child.

I feel angry at the people who get the blessing of a child, and do not appreciate them or take care of them.

I feel guilty for feeling jealous when I see a pregnant woman.

I feel sad when I remember that I will never get to raise Maddox.

I feel hopeful that one day Cody and I will have another child and get to raise them.

I feel so loved from my family and friends. I know at times I push people away, but it makes me feel better knowing people are there for us.

I feel real moments of happiness at times.

I feel the best when I am with Cody. He is my rock, he is my joy.

I feel that one day I will not feel so sad.

I feel myself becoming a better person. Going through this experince has taught me so much. I want to be better. I will be better.

I feel gratitude for giving birth to such a perfect person. He is pure. He is an angel.

I feel like I am better for knowing him.






1 comment:

  1. You are very good at expressing your emotions. I'm glad you decided to do this blog because talking about it is one way that will really help.

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