Ever since we lost Maddox I have been dreading a few things that were likely to happen. Of course one of them happened while we were on our first date night in a long time. Our server was very outgoing and a super nice guy, and after bringing us our drinks he says to us "so do you guys have any kids?" I froze...I didn't know how to answer. I didn't want to make him feel horribly uncomfortable by saying "yes we do and he died four weeks ago" but I also felt so wrong with my actual response of "nope, not yet." I felt so guilty and so sad by the response. I also felt like I was a big liar. I know that I did the right thing by saying no but I just hate so much that my answer is no. Then to make things even better he went off on a rant about how great it was that we were waiting and "once you have kids, you never don't have kids again" Again I had to remind myself that he has no idea what just happened to us, but the first response that came to my mind was "actually we have a child, but we don't have him."
Later I began to think how odd it was that not once in our relationship has a random stranger asked us if we have any children, yet right after we lose our son we get asked that question. A friend said something to me today that I think might actually be true. The universe or God (whatever you believe) has a funny way of giving us "tests". This test for me was very difficult, but I passed. I didn't break down crying in the restaurant, I didn't say something awkward, and I didn't let it ruin the night. Now the next time I am asked this question, I will be better prepared and I will hopefully handle it even better. I also hope that in the future I can give that response without feeling so guilty and like I am lying. Because I know even if it is a lie, it is the right thing to say in these situations.
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